naked

Gosh. I am blown away by all the love. Wow.

So, the truth is I have been away dealing with some health issues and have been off the grid, holed up at home, knitting, reading Anne Sexton, taking twice-daily hot baths, having torrid love affairs with numerous daktari, and, when I am able, writing my motherloving book — and I sincerely apologize for worrying so many of you, as that was honestly not my intent. Good god, y’all…it seems even in affliction I am a SCANDALOUS FUCKING TROUBLEMAKER.

At any rate, thankfully, none of what I am dealing with will force me to exit-stage-left anytime soon — like the old theatre whore that I am — but it could impact how I maneuver my fatass through this world. We shall see.

Anyway, lots to take in, lots to muddle through, lots to corner, lots to clobber. Some days are definitely more challenging than others, and the doctors, hospitals, medications, tests, questions, and befuddling symptoms never seem to end. But know that I definitely consider myself one of the lucky ones. Along with my challenges, I also have an EXTRAORDINARY Husband/Advocate/Champion/Best Friend who saves me every day in ALL the ways that one human CAN save another; a MAGNIFICENT Gusband who loves me and lunches me, even when I am a SPUN, BLUBBERING, NUTTY CUNT; a Writing Partner/Deranged Twin Brother/BFF who is MY FAVORITE PERSON ON THE ENTIRE PLANET with whom to spend my days writing words, dreaming dreams, kicking ass, and BELLY LAUGHING HARDER THAN I HAVE EVER BELLY LAUGHED IN MY ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE — at worlds which are WELL-KNOWN TO HIM; an astonishing support system of brilliant, amazing, loving Framily and Friends; and the luxury of access to the very best medical specialists, facilities, and health insurance available. Knitter PLEASE.

So, I beg of you, Mein Poppets…do NOT worry. You KNOW my fatass. I am a SERIOUSLY STAUNCH OLD TROLLOP.

I SHALL PERSEVERE.

Cockroaches in black dresses and red lipstick ALWAYS DO.

With that said, I am ashamed to admit that even amid the profound privilege of my world, a particularly grueling stretch a couple of weeks ago left me feeling a little sorry for myself. I woke up a couple of mornings later, however, having gotten completely over my bad self by way of a most fascinating and unprecedented dream. In it, I appeared to be some sort of a Warrior…riding a giant chestnut horse hard and fast over a vast wasteland, through freezing wind and rain, easily outrunning the legion of dank, faceless marauders who dared attempt to subdue me.

The most interesting part of the dream is that I started my ride clothed in some type of armor — leather and metal and ancient, it looked — but as I pushed on, pieces of it kept coming loose and flying off my body, like scales off a dragon, until, at last, I was wearing nothing at all.

But here’s the thing: Instead of feeling vulnerable and exposed, the more naked I became, THE MORE POWERFUL I FELT. When I woke up I could still feel the icy wind against my cheeks, the warmth of the horse gripped between my bare thighs, the exhilaration of stealth, flight, and evasion still coursing through me. I was free. I opened my eyes smiling, in clear recognition of the fact that this dream is where I am in my life right now:

Determined. Fearless. Exhilarated. Unbowed. Unashamed. Stripped bare.

By choice.

I shall ride on, harder, faster…truths flying off my body, like scales off a dragon.

This old hooker will be just fine.

xoxo
Muffy

PS) Again, thank you SO much for all the texts, messages, and emails of love and concern. I am belly crying. It is absolutely overwhelming. I return it back to you all in both particles AND waves. I adore you with all my fat, black, wicked Sicilian heart.

 

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About muffybolding

Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
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2 Responses to naked

  1. You’re an inspiration — love your verb and verve. Keep riding that dream! By the way, have you ever heard of Mama Gena’s School of the Womanly Arts in NYC? http://www.mamagenas.com/
    Your posts make me think of that sometimes. Picture yourself headmistress to a troupe of trollops, a Saint Ursula taking on the Huns with knitting needles… perhaps an idea to ponder while you mend. Wishing you well!

  2. SCOTT CRAWFORD says:

    Ya-Hoo!!!! 

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