me pee

Inane Cluster of Existential Pissings #1222:

1) I have never seen a single episode of Seinfeld. Ever.

2) I am religion adverse. I believe that extreme, devout religiosity suggests a profound lack of imagination. I DO, however, believe in gods: I believe we are ALL gods.

3) If a person tells me that that they are Anti-Choice and do not believe that a woman should have ABSOLUTE sovereignty over her own mind, body, and reproductive destiny…there is not another goddamned thing that person has to say that holds any weight with me. NOTHING. I am cordial, as always — but they will never have my heart nor my respect.

4) Aside from anything tragic befalling my children, my husband, my family, or my friends…my greatest personal fear is being a burden IN ANY WAY on those I love and care about. My second greatest terror is becoming bodily incapacitated, yet having my lucid mind go on. To be trapped in a body that no longer functions nor allows me to communicate with others and to be conscious underneath it all — that is MY own special level of hell.

5) I have only been knowingly, purposefully mean and hurtful to another human being a single time in my entire life — and I still think about the look of hurt and bewilderment on his face. I was 14, from Fresno, California. He was 19, and from Moses Lake, Washington. It is one of my greatest regrets and I would give almost anything to go back in time and get a do-over. He was an awesome person, undeserving of my cruelty and disdain. STUPID FUCKING TEENAGE BIOTECH.

6) Aside from Louis CK, George Carlin, and Sam Kinison — who are all geniuses in my estimation — I find that most of the comedians who make me scream with belly laughter are black.

7) I am Bi-Polar ll. My capacity for both ecstacy and despair are legendary — EVEN IN HELL.

 The first great love of my life was Gomez Addams. Ever after, I would search for him to be My One True Love. Gregory Babior is my Gomez Addams.

9) Oddly enough, despite being an ardent and devoted Feminist, STAUNCH supporter of The Sisterhood, and fierce champion of all those with the BAGINE…aside from my two daughters, most of the people I am closest to in my life…tend to be men. The wild and divergent theories on why this is so are also epic…EVEN IN HELL.

10) As a sensitive, artistic, rebellious girl growing up in Fresno, it is not an overstatement in any way to say that the music videos for The Go Gos’, “Our Lips Are Sealed” and Cindy Lauper’s, “Girls Just Want To Have Fun” both changed my life and saved my life. They showed me that I had a tribe out there in the great somewhere, and that there was definitely a place in the world for girls like me. I just had to find it. Boy, did I ever.

11) I had all three of my children via C-Section — though not for lack of determined effort. My first baby was profoundly breech and never turned — automatic C-Section. For my second baby, I was bound and determined to have a vaginal delivery with her. After 12 hours of PUSHING and no progress — automatic C-Section. It wasn’t discovered until a standard monthly check-up during my pregnancy with my third and last child that I have a malformed pelvis. If you were to strip all of the meat off my skeleton and stare down through my pelvis…whereas the pelvic clearance on the average woman is an opening the size of a tea saucer (coincidentally, the approximate size of a newborn human head), the clearance on my own mutant pelvis is the size of the indentation where the teacup itself fits. In other words, I wasn’t just a labor failure-to-progress because of an influx of pitocin or a lack of delivery room support. I would have absolutely been one of those women who died in childbirth biting down on a calico rag in the back of a conestoga wagon somewhere out on the prairie. It is mathematically and geometrically impossible for a baby to make it outta my cooter the ol’ school way. So, despite my disappointment at necessary surgical interventions at all three births, science and technology actually did save my life. On the bright side…MY VAGINA IS GOLDEN.

12) I treat every young waiter and waitress who serves me exactly as if they were my own son or daughter. I extend to them every courtesy, every generosity, every care, and every affection that I would if it were my very own child bringing me a Diet Coke and a bowl of piping hot vegetable soup.

13) Robert DeNiro in “Taxi Driver” and Christopher Walken in “The Deer Hunter” can SUCK IT. I think the most daring, fearless, DGAF performance EVER committed to film…is Sandra Bernhard in “The King Of Comedy”. She was 27 years old gettin’ all up in that arrogant, condescending, old asshole’s shit with her FIERCE SELF. FUCK JERRY LEWIS.

ALL HAIL SANDY BERNHARD!

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About muffybolding

Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
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