my will be done

To all those whom it may concern — I have contacted my attorney and added a new ironclad codicil to my last will and testament…with regards to My Framily. These are my wishes:

After Gregory and my three babies get their share of my adorable ashes, my remaining cremains are to be divided and dispersed among the six beloved members of My Framily, with the following specific and exacting instructions to be carried out by each of them:

Jackie is to put her share of me into a vintage Bauhaus tea infuser, steep me in an old, gold, porcelain dragon, Ching-Chongery tea cup full of hot Evian water, add a little stevia, put on her pajamas and, “Valley of The Dolls”, and with ALL three dogs snuggled on her lap…DRINK ME.

Mario is to use his precious gym membership card to lovingly chop down and lay out a huge rail of me on the rock hard ass of a beautiful young hustler boy named Hud…and SNORT ME.

Travis is to book a room at The Chelsea Hotel, cook me down in a vintage, sterling silver Tiffany spoon, draw me up into a junk rig once owned by William Burroughs…and SHOOT ME.

Selene is to roll me up in a big, fat, Bob Marley-lookin’ blunt as tall as she is…and SMOKE ME.

Adrian is to cook me up in a giant paella pan full of Cuban Arroz Con Pollo…and EAT ME.

And Nadya is to mix me up with a cup of vinegar, a cup of water, squat — EXACTLY like she is doing in this photo, belt out a chorus of, “Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves” at the top of her lungs…and DOUCHE ME.

Take me, I’M YOURS.

Drink me, snort me, shoot me, eat me, douche me, lick me, smoke me, poke me, stroke me, toke me, coke me, joke me, choke me, and, for the love of Maude, don’t forget to fucking INVOKE ME…for this is my body.

So it is written…SO IT SHALL BE DONE, BITCHES.


About muffybolding

Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
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