No, seriously. The best part is that THEM MUTHAFUCKAS BELIEVE ME.
Actually, the best part is that a 20-something guy really DID try and pick my fatass up today!
He was adorable!
And totally serious!
And I told him that the white cotton Target Granny Panties I am wearing are older than he is!
And that MY MYSTICAL, MAGICAL, GLORIOUS GUNT would BURN and BLIND HIM!
Would DEVOUR and DESTROY HIM!
Would make him SEE GOD!
Then I smirked, winked, flashed him a dazzling smile and said, “Why don’t you come up and see me sometime? I know EXACTLY what to do with little boys like you: I’ll make you some delicious homemade macaroni and cheese and do a coupla loads of your laundry, and put you together a care package and send you on your way home with a sweet Mama kiss right on the top of your cute, little, shaggy Millennial head, Son.”
Then he smiled, laughed, and shook that cute, little, shaggy Millennial head and said, “Lady…YOU’RE MY KINDA GIRL.”