jenny

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No, seriously. The best part is that THEM MUTHAFUCKAS BELIEVE ME.

Actually, the best part is that a 20-something guy really DID try and pick my fatass up today!

He was adorable!

And totally serious!

And I told him that the white cotton Target Granny Panties I am wearing are older than he is!

And that MY MYSTICAL, MAGICAL, GLORIOUS GUNT would BURN and BLIND HIM!

Would DEVOUR and DESTROY HIM!

Would make him SEE GOD!

Then I smirked, winked, flashed him a dazzling smile and said, “Why don’t you come up and see me sometime? I know EXACTLY what to do with little boys like you: I’ll make you some delicious homemade macaroni and cheese and do a coupla loads of your laundry, and put you together a care package and send you on your way home with a sweet Mama kiss right on the top of your cute, little, shaggy Millennial head, Son.”

Then he smiled, laughed, and shook that cute, little, shaggy Millennial head and said, “Lady…YOU’RE MY KINDA GIRL.”

‪#‎youngchubbychaser‬
‪#‎oldbroadsruletheworld‬
‪#‎oldbroadstothefront‬ ‪#‎holyshitjennyisnowanoldbroadtoo‬

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About muffybolding

Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
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