muffy bolding

Here is my official Vulgarian edict for the day: If you regularly listen to John Mayer, Phil Collins, The Dave Matthews Band, Hootie and the Blowfish, Jack Johnson, or Jewel…you have NO SOUL and if you have no soul, YOU CAN’T FUCK and YOU NEVER COULD. PERIOD. That is the beginning and the end of it.

Now fuck off, lady.

You know you’re addicted to knitting…when you knit whilst taking a dump.

That is all.

Whenever I hear one of those hideous power ballads from the 70’s or 80’s, IT MAKES ME WANNA KICK ASS. Home Tonight by Aerosmith, Faithfully by Journey, or Home Sweet Home by Motley Crue. Those horseshit songs were written by musicians for their wives and girlfriends back home OUT OF PURE GUILT because those boys were out on the road gettin’ some SERIOUS pussy. Those aren’t power ballads — they’re PACIFICATION BALLADS.

A Merry Birfday to Miss CJ Arabia…one of the most amazing, generous, loving, hilarious, talented, compassionate, fearless broads I have EVER known! Thank you for teaching me to knit, thank you for always encouraging me to forge ahead with my dreams with NO FEAR, but mostly, thank you for being such an extraordinary friend — my life is exponentially more AWESOME with you in it. I love you, Ceejwick the Magical Elf!

Now what are the goddamned chances that I would have the opportunity to play the word OPIATE in two separate games of Lexulous in one night? And this coming from a person who always has TONS of vicodin around (doctors just LOVE to give it to my fatass, for some inexplicable reason) but wouldn’t ingest that nauseating nonsense if my life depended on it.

Muffy Bucket List Item #2710: To give a handjob using the same hand on which is prominently displayed an official “My Heart Belongs to Jesus” Purity Ring — and to anonymously post pictures of said hand on hardcore porn forums all over the internets. Lemme tell you something, my friends…if one of my kids ever came to me and told me they wanted to marry someone they’d never slept with — I’d kill them myself.

Sometimes you just gotta delight in the little things — like the auspicious pattern in which your morning meds and vitamin supplements spill out into your meathook, willy-nilly…like an awesome gift from the gods.

I love it that the most sinister bastard of them all — that Opus Dei piece-of-shit Scalia — is making like a satanic priest in a Renaissance painting with the cryptic hand symbology…slyly alerting us to which realm he truly serves: The Underworld. God, I hate that guy.

What a coincidence — the same five soulless, mindless, malfeasant shitheads who anointed George W. Bush as president thought this would be an awesome idea. Tell me, where is the conservative, batshit crazy Patriotic Tea Party outrage over this corporate gang-bang of Lady Liberty, motherfuckers?

Iraq can kiss my fatass…. What we need in this country is a good ol’ fashioned CIVIL WAR, my friends — those who think that Sarah Palin would make a fine president…against those who wouldn’t fuck her with Pat Robertson’s dick.

You know which side I’m on.

http://www.alternet.org/rights/145322/supreme_court%27s_%27radical_and_destructive%27_decision_hands_over_democracy_to_the_corporations/