Wait. How come nobody told my fatass that I AM ALREADY FUCKING DEAD?
#zombiepunaniisthenameofmynewallghoulband
#allghoulstothefront
sift the ashes…
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baby
Two words:
PEARL and VIVIAN.
#thatsalittlebaby
#misspearl
#pearliemae
#pearline
#moonofmylife
#missviv
#vivalbertine
#biblianamarmelstein
#sunofmylife
#motherofdragons
#motherlikthtokiththemonthelipth
#motherlikthtowhiffthemonthepawth
#motherlikthtobitethemonthebuttcheekth
#motherlikthtognawontheirchickencutleth
#iwonderifhertinyhoovessmelllikesweetfritoestoo
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viv
Three things:
1) Somebody needs their nails cut.
2) Can’t even SQUIRT MY GOTTDAMNED CLAM IN PEACE.
And,
3) This little baby OWNS ME.
That is all.
#missvivian
#missbiblianamarmelstein
#grannypantiesRULE
#blueeven
#fancy!
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he’s leaving home
As Gregory and I have the privilege of packing, procuring, and preparing this week to send our very last baby off to college to study film…in between the CELEBRATION of his radiant success and thoughts of the GLORIOUS ADVENTURES that lay in front of him — and the HACKING SNOTTY SOBS OF MY MAMA BELLY CRIES — I am reminded of when our marvelous middle child left for college a few years ago. After she was gone, I stood in her bedroom…and despite being surrounded by all of her stuffed animals, her trophies, her photos, her awards, her Goosebumps books, and her cheerleading sweaters, it felt…so empty. I honestly sobbed like she had died. But, WHAT A TIME she had!
And, now, here we are again, getting ready to launch another one off to fill his brain with wisdom and his heart with memories…and all I can think of is just how FAST it all went by.
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it’s always darkest before the don
Inane Muff Fact #619: Though I am certain that Donald Trump is completely out of his motherfucking mind…I WILL say this: It IS exhilarating to hear a politician JUST FEARLESSLY SPEAK HIS TRUTH without GIVING A SINGLE FUCK what anyone else thinks…least of all the pasty, shithead, self-righteous numbskulls who run his party. Though claiming allegiance with The GOP, Trump was, in fact, advised/encouraged to run in the first place by none other than Bill Clinton, himself — who, along with Dick Cheney, is probably the most brilliant, influential political strategist of our time. Unsurprisingly, Trump is PWNING THE MEDIA, THE POLLS, and the FECKLESS ASSES OF HIS SCRAMBLING, TERRIFIED, REPUB OPPONENTS. I am telling you right now, if I were forced to make the call today, I would absolutely choose this loose-cannon, lunatic birdnest bastard over the ineffectual, dickless, bland, sepia-toned Jeb Bush or Marco Rubio in a fucking second. You think that Trump actually gives a shit if some broad in Decatur or Detroit seeks a safe and legal abortion for an unplanned pregnancy? NOT A CHANCE. Trust me, his class DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT SUCH PETTY THINGS. At that strata of money and society, ABORTION IS A GODDAMNED SACRAMENT. Oh, and hey…not to mention the fact that if this guy gets the nomination and runs?
EITHER BERNIE OR HILARY WINS BY A MOTHERLOVING LANDSLIDE.
PS) I do believe my clever, clever husband, Gregory, called this weeks ago when, after the Republican primary debates, he announced, “I think that Donald Trump may just be the GREATEST TROLL WHO EVER LIVED.”
“The thing is, when you actually think about it, it’s not funny. Given what’s at stake, it’s more like the opposite, like the first sign of the collapse of the United States as a global superpower. Twenty years from now, when we’re all living like prehistory hominids and hunting rats with sticks, we’ll probably look back at this moment as the beginning of the end.
In the meantime, though, the race for the Republican Party presidential nomination sure seems funny. The event known around the world as hashtagGOPClownCar is improbable, colossal, spectacular and shocking; epic, monumental, heinous and disgusting. It’s like watching 17 platypuses try to mount the queen of England. You can’t tear your eyes away from it.
It will go down someday as the greatest reality show ever conceived. The concept is ingenious. Take a combustible mix of the most depraved and filterless half-wits, scam artists and asylum Napoleons America has to offer, give them all piles of money and tell them to run for president. Add Donald Trump. And to give the whole thing a perverse gravitas, make the presidency really at stake.
It’s Western civilization’s very own car wreck. Even if you don’t want to watch it, you will. It’s that awesome of a spectacle.”
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betty
You know, I might very well be a NO-TALENT MEATHOOK when it comes to the most basic of life skills (Sweet Jesus. Do NOT axe my fatass to balance your checkbook or organize the flowers or catering for your wedding. Trust me, I will try MY VERY BEST to do you proud…but, YOU WILL BE FUCKING SORRY)…HOWEVER, what I DO do with SHIMMERING, EXCEPTIONAL, EXUBERANT APLOMB is this:
I make FIERCE, BEAUTIFUL, KIND BABIES, BITCHES.
#iloveyoubettysue
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life
I need the extraordinary. The complicated. The textured. The saturated. The flavorful. The radiant. The shiny. The deep. The dire. The dripping. The delightful. The absurd. The godless. The profane. The sacred. The hilarious. The perplexing. The unexpected. The inspiring. The intoxicating. The improbable. THE REAL.
#bringit
#luckyslut
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see you next tuesday!
Whose UNBELIEVABLY APT “Cunt Cup” is this?
Oh.
IT’S MINE.
It was, of course, a gift from my beloved Gusband, Miss Jackie Beat — who is, herself, a PHENOMENAL CUNT.
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youth
The Young.
They delight me everyday.
They amaze me everyday.
They inspire me everyday.
They change me everyday.
And, they change the world…one small, cheap, plastic Wal-Mart kids guitar at a time.
EVERYDAY.
ALL HAIL THE BEAUTY OF YOUTH and SPIRIT and SOUL.
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muffy bolding 