whereupon muffy goes completely fucking berserk and thins out her friends list THE HARD WAY…

Hey, kids, it’s the Paranoia Meme — gather ’round the guillotine and sing with the family!

1) You are one of the most hopeful and resilient people I have ever encountered. You wake up every fucking day and just completely reinvent yourself. No matter what happens, no matter what you are dealt, you never give up — and for that, I am glad. Goodness and light such as yours is much-needed in this world — I can feel it on my face from here. Never stop doing what you do.

2) I honestly think you may be one of the most dangerously imbalanced people I have ever had the displeasure of knowing. Your very touch is venom. Why you spawned is beyond me. Fuck off.

3) You are one of the people on lj that I would like to know a lot better — both online and in real life. I think we would be great friends! Those who do count you amongst their comrades speak highly of you because you live your life with such courage and vision and determination. I admire you and your work and your mothering very much. Perhaps the next time I am in your presence, I will come up and introduce myself instead of just being a geek and beating it for the door.

4) You found true love at last! Good! Now run for office, you miserably brilliant political strategist cocksucker that I love. This country needs more minds — and hearts! — like yours running it. I am being serious. Run…or face the Wrath of Muff. As an added bonus, if you do run and win, I give you my solemn promise to be your official speechwriter — PRO BONO! Imagine the thrill of using the word “motherfucker” in your inaugural speech. I say it’s high time we incorporated profanity into the general public discourse — and you can lead the way. All joking aside, please consider throwing your hat into the ring at some level, at some point; we need leaders like you now more than ever before.

5) Your oldest child is clearly gay — and I am concerned that you do not/will not see it in time to be there for them when they may need you the very most. You are a most excellent mother — I just hope that you can open your eyes and your heart to the truths of your own child. I have every faith that you will.

6) You need to ditch that worthless, pain-in-the-ass, high-maintenance, baggage-heavy significant other of yours. You deserve FAR better, and you know it. That person is a feces-encrusted anvil tied to your soul — you need to get out of the goddamned kitchen and cut that motherfucker LOOSE. Yes, I am talking to YOU.

7) You are an extraordinarily kind person — with mountains of integrity and conviction. I would trust you with my very life…even though I have never actually met you; you are THAT kind of person. Quite rare. You are also an amazing mother and activist. I hope to meet you in person someday.

8) You have such a gorgeous body — lush and zaftig and curvy…not at all the skinny little gamine I originally assumed. You are a wonderful mother and your daughter is fortunate to have you as her guide through this world. I stand in awe of your talent and the bold, imaginative way in which you conduct your life. I envy the gypsy in you like you cannot imagine.

9) I want to see you succeed more than anything. I have actually meditated on ways to help you get there. The world needs more hearts and minds like yours. I love reading about your cozy life; it makes me want to hang out at your house, eat soup, watch old movies, and nap. You are extraordinarily principled and always stand up for the weak and the downtrodden, no matter what the personal cost to you, and I respect and admire you for that. You will provide a powerful voice for many who don’t have one of their own. And, oh, yeah…we look like sisters.

10) I would love nothing more than to AXE you from my friends list — you bore the living fuck out of me and I loathe your whiny, self-centered horseshit. And the worst part of all is that you continuously commit the most unpardonable sin of all in my eyes: you are uninteresting. I am begging you to fuck off.

11) You have a funny face. It makes me chuckle and I like it — and you. You are filled with natural grace and good humor — and now, as we are all discovering, a ferocious strength, as well. Hold fast, my friend — and we shall see you on the other side…and so will he.

12) I think you could be doing so much more with your life. You are so talented and intelligent and culture-wise, you have THE COLD EYE, baby. The books in your bookcase surprised me — in a good way. Why do you not use these gifts to benefit your life and your soul? You limit yourself because of your lack of confidence. Get over it and get on with it. You and your yummy bath products rule.

13) I think you have one of the best marriages I have ever encountered in the online world. Your significant other is brilliant and an absolute joy and I simply could not do without him. He makes my world a more interesting place here in the online ethers…as in BEST LINKS EVER. Oh, and best of luck on your newest endeavor.

14) Oh, sweet jesus…you are the very fucking worst bastard on my entire friends list. I have not read your posts for months, because everytime I do, your bitter, relentless whining drives me completely mad. It makes me want to gouge my fucking eyes out with a poison-tipped shillelagh. It makes me want to play squat-hop-in-the-asparagus-patch in a Serbian minefield. In fact, I have never ever ever read a single post of yours where you were not complaining about something. You are the consummate Debbie Downer of livejournal. The mere sight of your font alone makes me want to take my own life with a rusty machete and a fistful of percodan. How your significant other stands you is absolutely beyond me. I would silently cut your drivelous throat in the night. Just thinking about you makes my butt hurt.

15) You have such an odd face and an odd gait and an odd way of looking at the world. When I read your posts, I always feel like it’s raining on red bricks somewhere in the world. You are a walking poem…and unique in every way. Your time is coming, honey — you just gotta trust me on this one.

16) Just simply…WHY? Making frequent, inflated statements that it’s a deliberate political choice doesn’t cut the mustard with me, toots. You are SO fucking intelligent and eloquent. You need to be writing and public speaking and sharing that brain with others.

17) Enough already. Trust me, NOBODY CARES.

18) You and I have a strange, inexplicable, deeply-felt connection — and I don’t even necessarily know why that is. But IT IS. When I hugged you in person, and looked into your eyes, I felt it…and still feel it. So odd, but also somehow comforting. You have great taste in books. I feel like you may have been my little sister in a past life. Keep speaking the truth, don’t ever stop — because that truth is not just your own…it belongs to all women who struggle with an inner world that doesn’t meet society’s strictly horseshit standards. Your words give voice to us all. You are the most courageous person on my friends list.

19) Others may find you amusing and intelligent. I find you desperate, manic, and clamoring. Simma down now.

20) You are brilliant and talented and darling and have the best life ever — and you don’t even know it…but you will someday. Your life has a sort of mythical quality to it. Also, your zine is one of my all-time favorites.

21) If I had to choose one person on my friends list to sleep with — it’d be you, hands down. You make me laugh like hell and I absolutely insist that we meet in person at some point in the future. You are one of my most favorite people on lj — we’d probably be like best friends in real life. Just thinking about you now, and all the crazy shit you write, makes me belly laugh out loud. You are fearless with your candor, which is one of the main reasons I adore you. Your spirit reminds me of someone from another time — perhaps the 1920’s. I also think that you’ll be quite famous someday. You are one lusty bitch — but who isn’t after a few cocktails?

22) I used to think your offspring was rather funny looking. Now I think said child is absolutely beautiful — and getting moreso everyday.

23) I think you are the sexiest bitch on my friends list — and smart as a gottdamned whip, too. Your grasp of the language is a thing of constant beauty. And, despite your almost total and complete lack of exposure to popular culture whilst growing up, you are still consistently one of the most interesting people around these parts. I don’t give a fuck if you aren’t aware of the subtle comedic complexities between Keith and Danny Partridge — I adore you no end, and you are my husband’s number one choice to bang around with on my friends list…no small honor, I must say.

24) You are impressive…imperious…impervious…and improbable.

25) You just never stop, do you? You are one of the most ambitious and persistent dames I have ever met, hands down; that virtue will serve you well in your career of choice. You are not just intelligent — you have the extra added bonus of self-awareness, as well as a wry take on things, which I appreciate no end. You will succeed because you wouldn’t have it any other way…and neither would I. See you around the table with the big boys, toots.

26) I think your children are gorgeous. I think you are an extraordinary photographer. I think you are an outstanding mother. I think you are a wicked, wicked wife — and I mean that in the best possible way. I think that most people in the real world have NO MOTHERFUCKING IDEA who and what you are — and would be positively FLOORED if they got the chance to see the person that we see here on lj. I’m glad you share your inner life with us — it is rich and barbed and delightfully sarcastic. You are smart. I like you.

27) Yours is the most tragic story on my friends list — my heart breaks a little more every time I read your journal. I wish you peace and healing.

28) Your fine and delicate face always reminds me of a pilgrim face — so pure, so patrician, so genteel…which makes it all the funnier when I read the posts about your harmless extramarital lusting after young boys in coffeehouses. You incorrigible flirt! Also, I love hearing about your sisterly bond with miss so and so — you two absolutely belong together. And so shall you be. Your mama would definitely approve.

30) You have the most beautiful child of us all — thanks for sharing.

31) You are the VERY ESSENCE of what you are, baby — imbued with extreme character by the day on which you were born. I frequently laugh out loud when I read your journal, even when there is drama (which there is much of, by the way!) not because I enjoy watching you struggle and squirm, but because I know very well that this too shall pass and you will come out smelling like a San Antonio rose. You always do, you know. You remind me heartily of my oldest daughter, so I feel very maternal towards you. You are quite young and have already accomplished so much in your life — enjoy it, goddamnit, and don’t sweat the stuff that doesn’t matter. You are living your life well — and this shows through most nobly in the greatest art you will ever create: him.

32) I’m not one prone to jealousy or envy…never have been. However, I must admit to being mighty covetous regarding the most recent acquisition to your collection. Intrigued, I followed the link and had my breath verily taken away by what I found there. You got the best one, you know. Yeah…you know. I want one, goddamnit.

33) You are the greatest motherfucking writer on livejournal PERIOD. Every single gottdamned day, my husband and I violently kick, poke, claw and scratch the living shit out of each other to get to the computer first to read the latest sheer, caustic brilliance that has exploded from your wicked, wicked cortex. Your writing is actually a part of our daily lives, a part of the joy and intellect and discourse that is our marriage. We sit in bed at night and discuss your take on the world. We LIVE for your every word. We fear you. We adore you. We deconstruct you. We worship you. We invoke you. In short, you are the patron saint of this household, motherfucker — NO LIE. Keep it coming — and when you write your first book, we are FIRST IN LINE to purchase it. All Hail!

34) You remind me of Emily Dickinson — so sad all the time, so fragile…yet, so powerful and so self-aware. You run deeper than just about anyone on my friends list, it seems…your grasp of the nuances of humanity is staggering. I must admit that oftentimes I don’t understand why it is that you seem so unhappy — when I look at you, I see this gorgeous, intelligent, well-read, passionate, TALENTED woman, who is SUCH a good mother and wife and friend..,which is obviously so different from how you view yourself. I don’t even attempt to understand what has happened in your life to make you doubt yourself for even one second, but I will tell you this: There is at least one person out here in the great world beyond the pixels who thinks you are fascinating and lovely and brilliant and intriguing…and who absolutely insists that you find another venue for that voice of yours…quite literally. Also, you give the best quote on lj, hands down. My quote file is filled to the brim with bon mots I have shamelessly ganked from your journal — I was just thinking the other day as I ganked the most recent one, “These quotes of hers are so specific to what moves me, that sometimes I think this dame and I have the same brain.” I am honored to share grey matter with a person like you.

35) I know your most secretest secret — You are a fake and a wanna-be and a NO-talent meathook. But, don’t worry, cupcake…I won’t tell anybody. Eventually, they’ll figure it out all on their own: The Empress isn’t wearing any clothes.

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About muffybolding

Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
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54 Responses to whereupon muffy goes completely fucking berserk and thins out her friends list THE HARD WAY…

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