you better quirk it, girl…

Oh, fuck it…because I am feeling particularly weird habit-addled tonight — FIVE MORE:

1) I sleep with a soft, pink blanket I have had since infanthood. It is called “The Pink Softie” (pronounced “saw-fee”) and it has traveled with me to hotel rooms all over the world. I can’t sleep without it. It’s on my lap right now, as a matter of fact. It’s not a security thing; it’s a tactile thing.

2) I absolutely, positively CANNOT walk barefoot outside — even two steps out the front door onto the painted wooden porch to retrieve the mail. To walk barefoot on asphalt would quite literally result with me requiring hospitalization for textural and psychological trauma. Even padding around barefoot in the house kills me. And further, I cannot understand how people wear shoes inside the house. It must be the Asian in me, but there is something almost disrespectful about wearing shoes indoors. And for those of you who think I am totally insane because these two oddities are in direct opposition to each other — I always wear slippers when inside. Always. It’s a tactile thing.

3) I have a very difficult time actually touching pizza. I require the use of a knife and fork to eat it. It’s not an eating disorder thing; it’s a tactile thing.

4) I am a classic synaesthete and have been since I acquired language (I am on official medical record as having spoken in FULL sentences at just over 9 months old. How fucking SATANIC is THAT? I’d be mixing some holy water with that Similac, goddamnit.) I frequently see and smell sounds…and numbers each have their own corresponding color. When I am writing, I see “strings of light” in my head onto which words, shapes, sounds, smells, textures, and (oddest of all) various people and their voices are suspended for my use and perusal; for some reason, the lights are particularly bright when I am working on poetry. Also, much to my amusement, people frequently assume I am some overachieving academic with a graduate degree, and are almost always tickled to find that I am, in fact, a high school dropout who spent her entire senior year blissfully truant at the Fresno County Library, quite literally starting at one end and working my way through. Oh, yeah…and the cherry on top is that I have almost zero grasp of anything above about 4th grade math. My brain, she don’t work that way, I am afraid. I am a mathematical moron.

5) I cannot watch any old television show or movie without immediately knowing the real life names of each and every performer (even secondary and supporting), director, producer, and/or writer associated with it. And their entire life story. And their spouses and lovers. And the names of their children. And when they died and how. And any scandal or skullduggery with which they might have been associated. In other words, I have pretty much total voracious yet pointless recall when it comes to anything I have read or seen and in which I am interested — including film or television credits that may have rolled before my eyes when I was 5. I call myself The Font of Useless Knowledge. My husband calls me a Mousiant Savant.

About muffybolding

Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
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20 Responses to you better quirk it, girl…

  1. manoman says:

    You are a fascinating person. HUgs.

  2. manoman says:

    You are a fascinating person. HUgs.

  3. justkimu says:

    I am a classic synaesthete and have been since I acquired language
    Yup, right there with ya – Me thinks there is an LJ community for folks that taste words and things. ๐Ÿ˜‰
    Between The Mister and myself (I call him Mr. Wizard), we are like walking Trivial Pursuit games.
    The Mister: What was the song that was playing on the radio the other day?
    Me: Oh, that was Bach BWV 1042 played by the London Philharmonic when Vladimir Jurowski was the Music Director.
    +)
    *snort*

  4. justkimu says:

    I am a classic synaesthete and have been since I acquired language
    Yup, right there with ya – Me thinks there is an LJ community for folks that taste words and things. ๐Ÿ˜‰
    Between The Mister and myself (I call him Mr. Wizard), we are like walking Trivial Pursuit games.
    The Mister: What was the song that was playing on the radio the other day?
    Me: Oh, that was Bach BWV 1042 played by the London Philharmonic when Vladimir Jurowski was the Music Director.
    +)
    *snort*

  5. trailofstars says:

    Re: #5–substitute “television” and “movies” with “music” and you have me. We have several thousand CDs…and I can tell you the performers, producers, recording dates, the studios and any other piece of oddball trivia you want to know (or not) about every one. And that’s just the ones in our collection…
    Didn’t go to college, either…let’s hear it for libraries! I married a librarian, after all…

  6. trailofstars says:

    Re: #5–substitute “television” and “movies” with “music” and you have me. We have several thousand CDs…and I can tell you the performers, producers, recording dates, the studios and any other piece of oddball trivia you want to know (or not) about every one. And that’s just the ones in our collection…
    Didn’t go to college, either…let’s hear it for libraries! I married a librarian, after all…

  7. abrichar says:

    A random weird thing of my own
    Only because it’s related to #5 and I know you’ll get it:
    Linsel’s birthday was this month. His dad, who died a few years ago, was David Greene. Probably his best-known work was directing the pilot for Roots. For L’s bday, I spent some time negotiating with the National Television Academy folks and got my hands on a license to buy video of his dad accepting his Emmy awards back in the early 70s. I’d had no idea what a complicated thing that is to get, but because the archives are managed by UCLA but the rights are managed by the Academy, it’s a bit of a cluster. It was so worth it, though, to see the look on his face when I turned on the TV for him last weekend and there’s his dad, all dapper in his tux making obtuse acceptance speech jokes.

  8. abrichar says:

    A random weird thing of my own
    Only because it’s related to #5 and I know you’ll get it:
    Linsel’s birthday was this month. His dad, who died a few years ago, was David Greene. Probably his best-known work was directing the pilot for Roots. For L’s bday, I spent some time negotiating with the National Television Academy folks and got my hands on a license to buy video of his dad accepting his Emmy awards back in the early 70s. I’d had no idea what a complicated thing that is to get, but because the archives are managed by UCLA but the rights are managed by the Academy, it’s a bit of a cluster. It was so worth it, though, to see the look on his face when I turned on the TV for him last weekend and there’s his dad, all dapper in his tux making obtuse acceptance speech jokes.

  9. chreebomb says:

    #4
    i’m fascinated

  10. chreebomb says:

    #4
    i’m fascinated

  11. 3) I have a very difficult time actually touching pizza. I require the use of a knife and fork to eat it. It’s not an eating disorder thing; it’s a tactile thing.
    HA! And you still met me there!

  12. 3) I have a very difficult time actually touching pizza. I require the use of a knife and fork to eat it. It’s not an eating disorder thing; it’s a tactile thing.
    HA! And you still met me there!

  13. chocobotkid says:

    #5- me too. for film flipping channels, i need less than 20 seconds to identify all above information, even if i haven’t seen the film before. or if a customer asks about a film, gives me approximate year, wrong title, shoddy plot description and estimation of cast i can tell them what the film is and correct them on the title and cast.
    tv is not my forte, but i’m not bad.

  14. chocobotkid says:

    #5- me too. for film flipping channels, i need less than 20 seconds to identify all above information, even if i haven’t seen the film before. or if a customer asks about a film, gives me approximate year, wrong title, shoddy plot description and estimation of cast i can tell them what the film is and correct them on the title and cast.
    tv is not my forte, but i’m not bad.

  15. beelavender says:

    I was a spooky baby too…. words at five months and sentences by eight… this from what I can gather freaked people out. Not normal! Creepy is more like it!

  16. beelavender says:

    I was a spooky baby too…. words at five months and sentences by eight… this from what I can gather freaked people out. Not normal! Creepy is more like it!

  17. elevenoclock says:

    hello! i’m adding you cause i’ve seen you around and yor J was highly recommended.
    re: #2, can i ask, what would you do in this situation?: you go to dinner at the house of a new friend. her house rule is removing shoes at the front door. (you have worn sandals.) she also provides a basket of flip flops for inside use cause she knows some folks don;’t dig going barefoot.

  18. elevenoclock says:

    hello! i’m adding you cause i’ve seen you around and yor J was highly recommended.
    re: #2, can i ask, what would you do in this situation?: you go to dinner at the house of a new friend. her house rule is removing shoes at the front door. (you have worn sandals.) she also provides a basket of flip flops for inside use cause she knows some folks don;’t dig going barefoot.

  19. muffybolding says:

    welcome! and thanks for stopping by the ol’ clubhouse. grab a brew — don’t cost nothin’.
    =:-)
    as for your footie dilemma, i would just take off my sandals and slip into a pair of the flip flops, no problem. in the future, i would probably bring a pair of footie socks/slipper socks in my purse whenever i knew i was going to be spending time at her house…but for the short-term, the flip flops that she so thoughtfully provides for all her guests who are completely fucking insane (like us!) would absolutely suffice.
    i look forward to getting to know you, toots. hope you don’t mind a broad with a mouth like a teamster.
    =:-)
    xoxo

  20. muffybolding says:

    welcome! and thanks for stopping by the ol’ clubhouse. grab a brew — don’t cost nothin’.
    =:-)
    as for your footie dilemma, i would just take off my sandals and slip into a pair of the flip flops, no problem. in the future, i would probably bring a pair of footie socks/slipper socks in my purse whenever i knew i was going to be spending time at her house…but for the short-term, the flip flops that she so thoughtfully provides for all her guests who are completely fucking insane (like us!) would absolutely suffice.
    i look forward to getting to know you, toots. hope you don’t mind a broad with a mouth like a teamster.
    =:-)
    xoxo

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