Five Weird Habits o’ Mine

The name of the game is “List Five of Your Weird Habits”.

Here mine be:

1) I use baby wipes for EVERYTHING. Remember the old guy with the Windex in that big, fat, Greek wedding movie? That’s me, except with baby wipes. Baby wipes can be used to scour the counters, mop the floors, shine your shoes, swipe a bunghole, wash grubby foots, cleanse a cute face, dust a desktop, disinfect a wound, polish jewelry, clean the keyboard, remove makeup, sop up load, swish the toiletbowl, and get a Starbucks stain out of a cashmere sweater. I carry a package in my purse; I am never without them. Baby wipes are KING.

2) I wash my hands somewhere in the range of 50 times a day. It’s not a germ thing; it’s a tactile thing.

3) I absolutely, genuinely relish the smell of asparagus pee. Though it may seem facetious, my literary bio speaketh the truth.

4) When I am kindly asked (or traumatically induced!) to go to “My Happy Place” — because it has been my ultimate dream since I was very young, I almost always go to Merry Olde England (or sometimes HERE) — a place, which in actuality, doesn’t really even exist anymore except in the wistful imagination of a little girl from Fresno. At any rate, it’s either London or the green, green countryside — it doesn’t really matter; it’s in my ears and in my eyes. I long to be there.

5) Whilst driving, I frequently talk out loud to the sweet grandbabies I shall someday have — in a heavy Scottish brogue. “Angus, Malcolm, Hamish, Fiona, and Argyle — come give Grannie a snog! Forget that nasty old Mummy and Daddy…Grannie loves you!” And, yes…I do this while driving alone.

About muffybolding

Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
This entry was posted in categories can suck my dick. Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to Five Weird Habits o’ Mine

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s