1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?

How on earth did Ernest Borgnine get into my bathroom?

2. How much cash do you have on you?

Fie dolla for fucky-fucky.

3. What’s a word that rhymes with “DOOR?”?

Whore.

4. Favorite planet?

I won’t say it. You can’t make me say it.

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?

My sweet Baby Goat.

6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?

I haven’t figured out the whole ring thing yet on Le Blackberry pie…so right now it’s some sort of lovely pre-programmed Bach or Mozart sounding ring –- which is actually jake by me. The ring on my previous phone was “Clocks” by Coldplay — a band that I’m not totally in love with or anything, but I do adore that song…as it always reminds me of something that Bach or Mozart might be writing today if they weren’t dead, rotting, and stinking in the earth; in other words (WAIT FOR IT)…decomposing.

7. What shirt are you wearing?

No shirt…just a striped schmata and orange sherbety granny panties.

8. Do you “label” yourself?

Yeah, sometimes –- and who really gives a shit if I do, anyway? I always belly laugh when people whine, “Don’t label me” –- because language is nothing more than a construct through which we are better able to convey thought and information. Lighten the fuck up. If the worst problem you have is being labeled, get on your gottdamned knees and thank whatever gods you believe in for your extraordinary good fortune. Or, better yet, spend a week in Darfur and then get back to me upon your return so you can tell me just how tragic it is to be “labeled.”

9. Name the brand of your shoes you’re currently wearing?

Slippers of unknown pedigree.

10. Bright or Dark Room

Bright, unfortunately. (Hurry, Autumn! I can’t wait!)

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?

Christ, I don’t remember who took this test before me. It’s been in a holding pattern in a file for like a month now. Fuck off, lady.

12. What does your watch look like?

A silver Timex with a plain black leather band. It just screams, “WATCH.”

13. What were you doing at midnight last night?

Dreaming about Kurt and turtles.

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?

”We never get to lie in bed all day and surf the internets and watch TiVo and eat Taco Bell by the fistful!”

15. Where is your nearest 7-11?

Wow, I have no idea. How fucked-up and grown-up is THAT? It’s probably in Pasadena or something.

16. What’s a word that you say a lot?
Butch.

17.Who told you he/she loved you last?

Gregory, right before he dozed off in his hotel room in Philadelphia. And I returned the love.

18. Last furry thing you touched?

Please don’t ask me questions like this if you don’t want to hear the vile and ungodly answer that you just KNOW an Old Hooker like myself is going to offer up.

19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days?

Legal: 5
Illegal: 0

20. How many rolls of film do you need developed?

I don’t do rolls of film; only cinnamon rolls and rolls in the hay.

21. Favorite age you have been so far?

I’d like to do 10 again. Or 17. Or 23. Every age was magnificent in its own way – even the age I am now: 28 (YEAH RIGHT…28 plus tax and deposit)

22. Your worst enemy?

Hands down: Time.

23. What is your current desktop picture?

A really marvelous black and white shot of Jean Luc Godard and his sweet young honey, Anna Karina. The reason I have it up there? Because Godard looks so much like Gregory that it makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck.

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?

”I love you!”

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be?

I’d take the simolians — and then fly my fatass to the south of France.

26. Do you like someone?

I like a LOT of people.

27. The last song you listened to?

“My Maria” by BW Stephenson is playing right now – and I am singing at the top of my lungs. I love this song!

28. What time of day were you born?

5:21 am

29. What’s your favorite number?

17

30. Where did you live in 1987?

Fresno, California.

31. Are you jealous of anyone?

God, no.

32. Is anyone jealous of you?

God, no.

33. Where were you when 9/11 happened?

Driving over the Coronado Bridge with my babies.

34. What do you do when vending machines steal your money?

Hurl curses at their maker.

35. Do you consider yourself kind?

I insist on it.

36. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?

Probably my upper left arm.

37. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?

French; but I’d also like to know Latin.

38. Would you move for the person you loved?

I did…and I’d do it again, too.

39. Are you touchy feely?

Yes, unless it’s hot. Then, FUCK OFF.

40. What’s your life motto?

“Here’s some acid for your face, motherfucker!”

41. Name three things that you have on you at all times?

Blackberry, credit cards, pen&paper.

42. What’s your favorite town/city?

I’d have to say Paris…with London coming in a close second.

43. What was the last thing you paid for with cash?

I have three teenagers; I never have cash.

44. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?

The Carter Administration.

45. Can you change the oil on a car?

Honey, I can barely change the radio station on a car. I am pathetic.

46. Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her?

That he had done time in jail for selling baggie on his industrial towel delivery route. When I loved him, he looked exactly like Ethan Hawke in Dead Poet’s Society.

47. How far back do you know about your ancestry?

Far enough to know that I come from a long line of criminals, thieves, murderers, and embezzlers. Oh…and REAL loose women.

48. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy?

I don’t dress fancy. Ever. But when I am forced to put on something marginally respectable, it usually involves me looking like a nun –- albeit a nun who is wearing Liddle Kiddle jewelry on her habit, but a nun nun-the-less.

49. Does anything hurt on your body right now?

My temperature is 101 right now — and is at least 100 most days; that pretty much means that I live my life with a perpetual case of the flu. So, to answer your question as to whether or not I am experiencing any pain in my body right now…of course, I am. But, who doesn’t after a few cocktails?

50. Have you been burned by love?

Never.