This little shart (because I just can’t seem to muster an entire shit for this one) is for those of you verily trembling with anticipation for the upcoming Bob Dylan Christmas album.
My best friend, Billy, and I saw Dylan here in LA about three years ago and you CANNOT EVEN IMAGINE how terrible it was. It was FUCKING TERRIBLE. I’m talking TERRIBLE WITH RAISINS. He was inexplicably in whiteface and wearing a black Stetson and he never made eye contact with either band nor audience once during the entire show. It was like watching a completely insane, socially-anxious, kabuki cowboy croak and warble at the ground for an hour. NEVER. AGAIN. You just gotta trust me on this one, kids. The genius who wrote “Gates of Eden” and “It’s Alright, Ma (I’m Only Bleedin’) no longer exists.
But goddamnit, listening to the samples of these holiday songs on Amazon (Dylan condescendingly smirking his way through “Here Comes Santa Claus”? HA!), I will say this: The wise man may be dead, but THE HOLY FOOL LIVES ON. It’s SO NO-talent, that it does a double-helix, Greg Louganis reverse back around upon itself and becomes ALL-talent again. This album is both a complete BELLY LAUGH and an absolute OUTRAGE — sort of like me structuring my precious days to accommodate my Nancy Grace habit. Yes, she, like Bob Dylan, is completely out of her fucking mind — but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
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