if you are wise, you’ll listen to me


Recently, some friends and I were discussing the whole “Sexy Costume” obsession that has descended upon our culture over the past decade or two. It seems that anytime a person with a poontang dresses up for Halloween, it absolutely MUST be of the “sexy” variety…i.e., a sexy Raggedy Ann, a sexy Dorothy Gayle, or even a sexy Zombie. It can’t just be Alice in Wonderland — no, that’s just not good enough. It’s got to be Alice in Wonderland…in a Wonderbra, garters, stockings, and 6 inch bitch heels — with a tattoo of the White Rabbit peeking out from the edge of ruffled panties.

But the best sexy costume that I’ve heard of so far? This year, one of my daughter’s friends is actually dressing up as a SEXY OOMPA-LOOMPA. That’s right, my poppets…orange skin, white booty-short overalls, and a green wig teased up to look like the headliner at Jumbo’s Clown Room.

Christ, I love this goddamned country of mine.

About muffybolding

Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
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