“Before I begin, I would like to say what an honor it is for me to be invited here to read my work for all of you…and to ask that you please indulge me for just a moment. Um…okay. ME? Reading at the same ‘Women Who Write’ as HARRY FUCKING HAMLIN? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS? Mr. Hamlin…I just want to tell you that when I was a teenager back in Fresno, I TOTALLY used to make out with my ‘Clash of the Titans’ Perseus pillowcase every night. Even now, when I watch you — and THAT MOUTH — hack off the clawed hand of Calibos in that swamp…dude, seriously…it makes my toga MOIST. This is like a total dream come true for a trashy, scandalous Fresno girl like me. So, thank you, Miss Vicki, for giving an aging fan girl her ULKIMAKE FANKASY.”

And after I was all done with my reading, I curtsied like a Parisian hooker, scurried back to my chair right next to The Man of the Hour, and when the applause died down, I loudly and proudly inquired of our HOT Indomitable Hostess:

“Okay, I did it, Miss Vicki. Can I make out with Harry Hamlin now??

About muffybolding

Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
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