To the brilliant, beautiful, most popular boy at our high skyool who is my date to our class reunion in Fresno this weekend: Do me this one favor, darling. Even though you get TOP-SHELF PUSSY thrown at you like motherfuckin’ Frisbees everyday of your perfect, golden, goddamned life…when we are out cruising around in that limo, PLEASE make a pass at me. Guzzle as much Don Julio as you need to to do so, and you CERTAINLY don’t need to follow through, but I am begging you…MAKE A PASS AT ME — just so I can look at you and say, “Okay, so let me get this straight. REALLY? NOW you wanna fuck me? You didn’t wanna fuck me when I was a smooth, nubile, SMOKIN’ HOT 17 year old with a face like Valerie Bertinelli and titties that went POW — but now that I look like Ernest Borgnine with salt bloat, chin whiskers, and a gunt…NOW you wanna fuck me? NOW? REALLY?”
I beg of you, Markie — with my beloved husband’s blessing — grant an old hooker this one wish and I will TOTALLY love you forever…or blow you for the difference — whichever comes first. I adore you! Can’t wait!