To the brilliant, beautiful, most popular boy at our high skyool who is my date to our class reunion in Fresno this weekend: Do me this one favor, darling. Even though you get TOP-SHELF PUSSY thrown at you like motherfuckin’ Frisbees everyday of your perfect, golden, goddamned life…when we are out cruising around in that limo, PLEASE make a pass at me. Guzzle as much Don Julio as you need to to do so, and you CERTAINLY don’t need to follow through, but I am begging you…MAKE A PASS AT ME — just so I can look at you and say, “Okay, so let me get this straight. REALLY? NOW you wanna fuck me? You didn’t wanna fuck me when I was a smooth, nubile, SMOKIN’ HOT 17 year old with a face like Valerie Bertinelli and titties that went POW — but now that I look like Ernest Borgnine with salt bloat, chin whiskers, and a gunt…NOW you wanna fuck me? NOW? REALLY?”
I beg of you, Markie — with my beloved husband’s blessing — grant an old hooker this one wish and I will TOTALLY love you forever…or blow you for the difference — whichever comes first. I adore you! Can’t wait!
Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
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God damn, you are funny bones. Don Julio will always seal some kind of deal so hope the hooker got her john john or at least a dance off and redemption. Reunions rule.
Girl you are not a well woman. Perhaps that’s why I adore you.