My Fellow Countrymen and Countrywomen: What a grand, glorious, and festive week this is! Happy 10th Anniversary of the US Invasion of Iraq!…the cause of which is the greatest, most expensive, most despicable, most murderous, most malfeasant, most EVIL LIE ever perpetrated on the American people by its own government.
Make no mistake…we have lost a brace of kinsmen.
All are punish’d…
but, if there is indeed a god, hopefully SOME MOTHERFUCKERS shall be more punish’d than others.
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, “What are all those clocks?”
St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.”
“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?”
“That’s Mister Rogers’ clock. The hands have never moved, indicating that in his entire life, he never told a lie.”
“Incredible,” said the man. “And whose clock is that one?”
St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.”
“And where’s Dick Cheney’s clock?” asked the man.
“Oh, Dick Cheney’s clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”
Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
ha-ha-ha!! i’m having a rough time but that tickled me! that is fucking funny! i’m still rolling! i just love your writing it really cheers me up. Especially when your said the fuck off things. i was in a period of my life where that was actually just what i needed to hear and say! hooray! hooray! for Muffy a very brave and outspoken woman…