1. What time did you get up this morning?
7 cockeatin’ 30. I had to squirt the ol’ clam, as well as the clam of a tiny chihuahua, and we just couldn’t wait. It was a medical emergency. Also, I had to get my fatass up because we are in the midst of THE HORROR OF MOVING. So much to do!
2. Diamonds or pearls?
BOTH. I’m nothing short of a dirty, plundering, acquisitive whore who enjoys nothing more than a lazy afternoon spent guzzling absinthe, reading Henry Miller, stroking my crab ladder, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. Not really. I was just kidding! I loathe absinthe and the entire horseshit absinthe culture! But truthfully, I like jewels and stones and beads and trinkets and treasures and doo-dads and gew-gaws and shiny baubles of all kinds, though their actual monetary or cultural value means very little to me; it’s their sparkle and lustre that catches my cold eye. My husband calls me a highly distractable kitty-kat in regards to such things and thinks I must’ve been of the race of dwarves or hobbits in my previous life. Or a pirate, even. And besides that, I positively LIVE to “clutch my pearls” and act faux shocked at the scandalous behavior of others…so it would be nice to actually have something stranded and nacreous there to clutch aside from merely fat clavicle or a shameless chain of hickeys.
3. What was the last film you saw, either at the cinema or at home?
“Midnight in Paris” — and just like that…it is in my Top 25 films of all time. I actually wanted to CLIMB INSIDE OF THAT MOVIE AND SPEND THE REST OF MY GODDAMNED LIFE THERE.
4. What is your current favorite TV Show?
Antiques Roadshow. Downton Abbey. Game of Thrones.
5. What do you usually have for breakfast?
Usually just really good fucking coffee (I insist on really good fucking coffee) and the still-beating hearts of those who would dare attempt to subdue me.
6. What is your middle name?
7. Favorite cuisines?
Korean, Ethiopian, Mediterranean.
8. What foods do you dislike?
Very, very few — but prominent on that list are definitely slimy okra, meat, and the humble lychee (which smells entirely too much like LOAD for my liking, thank you very much.)
9. Where were you born?
Rochester, New York.
10. What is your favorite CD at the moment?
“The Spoken Word: The Poems of Ted Hughes” is on HEAVY, OBSESSED, HYPNOTIC, AROUSED, REGRETFUL rotation right now. Also, “An Anthology of Big Band Swing, 1930-1955”. It’s included in the group of music that I frequently write to, and listening to it causes my heart to race and my to pulse quicken…and makes me feel connected to all the writers who have come and gone before me. You hear that, Mr. Benchley?
11. What kind of car are you driving?
A ruby red Honda CRV that my family and friends affectionately refer to as “The Crazy Rodent Vehicle” (CRV? Get it?) because my nickname around these parts is “Mouse”. Yes, my husband and my children call me Mousie Lou.
12. Favorite sandwich?
Well, before I went totally vegetarian, it was a corned beef Reuben on rye…with horseradish. At Canter’s. Sitting one table over from Rodney Bingenheimer and his OUTRAGEOUS rooster cut and saturnine countenance. Now…I don’t really eat sandwiches…so my answer is vegetable soup.
13. What characteristic do you despise?
I quickly and deftly recoil in disgust from undignified personal drama in any form — cause a scene in public and watch how fast I exit stage left in disdain. I also detest people who are ungenerous with their praise. Creative people who are made small and threatened by the talent of other creative people. People who don’t get that there is more than room enough at the table for all those who have the talent, drive, and desire to be there. But worse than that, if you dare commit the cardinal sin of being uninteresting…FUCK OFF, LADY.
14. What is your favorite clothing?
Black dresses, cashmere sweater sets, cardigans, and homely, interesting thrift store dresses from the late 50′s and early 60′s — and my ancient Bass penny loafers. Think demented debutante. Oh, and BLACK DROP-BALL EARRINGS and EXTRAORDINARY VINTAGE BROOCHES. Always always always with the earrings and the brooches. My gusband, Jackie Beat, has actually bestowed upon me the official royal styling of, “Our Lady of The Brooches.”
15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation where would you go?
The ancient Land of (SOME OF) My Pipples: SPAIN.
16. What color is your bathroom?
Oh, christ. Fuck off. Who cares. Next question.
17. Favorite brand of clothing?
I adore Brooks Brothers — thrifted, of course. Gimme old thrashed soft pink buttondown shirts, ancient cableknit sweaters, and some of them ol’ time New England coats with horn-toggle closures, and I’ll most likely blow you for the difference, friend. And, if listing my favorite designers counts for anything…I like Betsey Johnson, Lilly Pulitzer, Calvin Klein, and Ralph Lauren. I think I must’ve been a preppie pilgrim DAR club-lady in another life. A really drunken, chain-smoking, foul-mouthed one with questionable moral fiber, of course. Think Anne Sexton.
18. Where would you retire?
Truth be told, even though I would giddily skip-kick the wall-plug outta my own Mother’s life support system to live out my days in Spain…I’ll probably end up in a cozy beach house in Coronado or Malibu surrounded by grandbabies and friends — which sounds practically perfect in every way to me. I plan on being the world’s most KICKIN’ granny. Oh and to address your actual question: I WILL NEVER ACTUALLY RETIRE. I plan on typing my nonsense and giggling like a madman until the very moment I feed the tree.
19. What was your most memorable birthday?
After about the age of 13, I realized that I don’t really give a rat’s ass about my actual birthday (in my mind, EVERYDAY is my birthday and made to be filled with fun!) — so I don’t really have an answer to that query. In other words, I need extravagant birthday festivities held in my honor…like Kim Kardashian needs her pussy stretched.
20. Are you married?
Blissfully so, yes.
21. Always wear your seat belt?
Of course. It looks adorable with my vintage jewelry!
22. Ever been in a car accident?
Only one — quite literally on the way home from the DMV after getting my very first drivers license.
23. Favorite sport to watch?
Baseball, both major and minor league; oh, and if you were wondering, I like the Yankees and The Cubs. I’m nothing if not an ol’ school purist.
24. Goal you have for yourself?
Books, films, travel, knitting, and eternal life.
25. What are your hobbies?
Books, films, travel, knitting, and eternal life.
26. When is your Anniversary?
With my husband, Gregory: June 16th (Bloomsday!). With my gusband, Jackie Beat: May 13th (Bea Arthur’s birthday!)
27. Are you a morning person or a night person?
28. What is your shoe size?
7, 7 1/2, sometimes an 8 — depending on how fat I am. For the record: I currently wear an 8.
29. Any pets?
A divine black and white three year old boss chihuahua — Pearlie Mae — who is my funny, furry, adorable, delightfully Frito-smelling REASON FOR LIVING. She sleeps curled up around my gunt and SHE IS MY LITTLE BABY.
30. Any new and exciting news you’d like to share with us?
Yes. Your mother’s a whore.
31. What did you want to be when you were little?
A hostess on The Storybook Canal Boats in Disneyland. In fact, it’s still my dream — and I’ll do it, too. Think I won’t?
32. What are you today?
Writer, Mother, Libertine, Tart.
33. What is your favorite candy?
Green apple Jolly Ranchers — but thanks to a touch of the sugar diabeetus, no can do no mo.
34. What is your favorite flower?
35. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to?
June 6th at 6 a.m. He is risen!
36. Anyone special in your life of the opposite sex?
I have LOTS of special boys in my life! My son, Hunter…my father, Tom…my Husband, Gregory…my Gusband (GAY husband), Jackie Beat…my Frusband (Fresno Husband), Mark Fimbres…my writing partner and BFF, Doug Prochilo…my tender sodomite lovers, Mario Diaz and Travis Walck…and many, many others. I adore all my boys — they make my life brilliant and beautiful and BUTCH.