i like me!

Profoundly inspired by Jessica, the delightful little girl caught on video telling herself in the bathroom mirror just how gottdamned awesome she is, this old hooker felt compelled to march her fatass right on over to the computer to write up a list of daily self-love affirmations for herself:

I can do anything!
I can be anything!

I can voice my displeasure!
I can speak my truth!
I can call a queen out!
I can loathe okra!
I can squirt pee when I sneeze!
I can be good without a god!
I can tap-dance on your grave!
I can gush love!
I can make you disappear!
I can radiate who I am!
I can feel the radiance of who you are!
I can smoke an e-cig and let shit slide!
I can!

I can listen to OK Computer and be right back on that couch!
I can feel the splendour in the grass and the glory in the flower!
I can feel the inexorable sadness of pencils and the delight of a cold plum!
I can hold creation in my foot!
I can flow in the scrolls of her toga!
I can feel the awful rowing toward god!
I can dare to eat the peach!
I can!

I can tape my check to my power bill with a used estrogen ass-patch!
I can give my husband a hand job in the dark on Pirates of The Caribbean!
I can wolf Nutella outta the jar with my social finger at 3 am!
I can get my hair bobbed at Supercuts for 17 bucks!
I can lust after Tyrion Lannister!
I can snipe vintage rickshaw brooches on ebay and still sleep at night!
I can own just one tube of red lipstick and no other make-up and the world can suck my dick!
I can kick an insolent bitch in the taco!
I can chase gay men!
I can kick-start a vibrator!
I can worship Roseanne!
I can wear size 8 white cotton Target Granny Panties and STILL be a whore!
I can smile and wink at a hot 21 year old grocery bagger named Chet who would totally think I look like Gladys Presley, if he only knew who the fuck Gladys Presley was!
I can!

I like my Husband!
I like my Gusband!
I like my Babies!
I like my Poochies!
I like my Framily!
I like my Dougie!
I like my brooches!
I like Del Taco!
I like Neely O’Hara!
I like Madeline Kahn!
I like my knitting!
I like my French press!
I like my new house!
I like my new ‘hood!
I like my trucker mouth!
I like my DGAF attitude!
I like my skin tags!
I like my beaver tail titties!
I like my age spots!
I like my lack of shame!
I like my lack of lubrication!
I like my forehead wrinkles!
I like my spider-veined legs!
I like my wicked eyebrows!
I like my baggy elbows!
I like my back fat!
I like my Russian shot-putter legs!
I like my chin whiskers!
I like my hot flashes!
I like my stray grey pubes!
I like my Florida Evans neck!
I like my GLORIOUS GUNT!
I do!

I can do anything!
I can be anything!
I can say anything!
I can write anything!
I can fight anything!
I can eat anything!
I can wear anything!
I can knit anything!
I can love anything!
I can hate anything!
I can embrace anything!
I can destroy anything!
I can SCHTUPP ANYTHING!

Goddamnit, I like me!

muff_in_pink_with_diamonds_2012

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About muffybolding

Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
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2 Responses to i like me!

  1. mary marsella says:

    You give me reason to live, “Muffa”.

    • muffybolding says:

      I love you, Mary. Always have…always will. When we were little, gazing at you and your life helped me know and believe that there was something more outside of the one in which I was born — and for that, I thank you with all my fat, black, little heart. xoxo

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