divine bottom

So, my beloved phone apparently had an INEXPLICABLY DICKISH moment yesterday…and jettisoned all of my precious phone contacts into the goddamned ethers. Just in case you didn’t fully understand what I am saying to you:



Fortunately, my horror and trauma has now subsided to the point where I am able to stop shaking, wailing, raising my hands to the sky, and tearing at my hair long enough to come here and post the old standard, “I lost all the contacts on my phone. If you love me and believe with all your heart that I either already HAD your number and mailing address OR that I SHOULD have them…please send them along to me in an email or a Facebook message, accompanied by a high-def selfie of your undercarriage.”

Okay, so you don’t really gotta send me a selfie of your bits — though I am sure that I would enjoy it IMMENSELY! But you could send me a pic of your POOCHIE! And his or her name! I would LOVE THAT, TOO!

At any rate, hit an old hooker up with your digits, bitches. I need the ability to text you pics of my left tit ANY TIME OF THE DAY OR NIGHT.

Think I don’t?


About muffybolding

Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
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