the goddess sally hansen


“Jesus getting his nails painted.”

An affectionate, open letter to the boy on my Facebook friends list who commented on my original post of this photo a couple of days ago, “Sorry, Muffy…You’re better than that.”:

Actually, Sugar…I gotta tell you — I’M NOT. I honestly think this is one of the funniest things I have ever seen, and trust me, I have SEEN A LOT. When I first saw it on the wall of one of my best friends, it made me BELLY LAUGH OUT LOUD. HOWL, in fact. It’s fucking CLEVER AS HELL. I would get this TATTOOED ON MY BODY…and I don’t even HAVE any tattoos.

If you’ve been reading me for awhile, and I do believe you have, you will know that I don’t ever make jokes about raped, garotted, murdered, little girls or boys (i.e., JonBenet Ramsey), or raped, garotted, murdered, grown men or women, for that matter, or even tortured, suffering, murdered animals, but I will most certainly make a joke or an observation about THIS awesome fellow (i.e., such as my recent revelation that I have wanted to make out with him since I watched the BRILLIANT Franco Zeffirelli mini-series, “Jesus of Nazareth” when I was a teenager)…as well as making jokes or observations about other awesome fellows like Buddha, Mohammed, Jehovah, Xenu, Zeus, Pazuzu, etc…because (for me) they are abstract concepts, literary fodder, fictional characters in a GREAT COSMIC PLAY.

Let me ask you a question: Have you ever called someone out for making a XENU/Scientology joke, like you just called ME out for making a Jesus joke? I don’t suspect so. And further…have YOU YOURSELF ever actually MADE a joke at ol’ Xenu’s expense? I SURELY FUCKING HAVE…and so have a LOT of people, INCLUDING THOSE who hold this bearded guy right here in THE ULTIMATE, SACRED REVERENCE. What this means is that they, and maybe even YOU, have laughed at SOMEONE ELSE’S GOD. Allow me to rephrase that: What this means is that they, and maybe even YOU, have laughed at someone else’s JESUS.

And let me go one step further and hazard another guess. I would guess that even those fervent followers of the man pictured above, when they first saw this image, when they FIRST cocked their head to one side, gazed at this photo and then suddenly GOT IT — my guess is that in that split second, right before they were shocked, horrified, and offended, THEY SMILED and maybe even CHUCKLED…and thought it was FUCKING HILARIOUS. Maybe even yourself, Sugar. You know why? BECAUSE IT IS. And you wanna know what? That moment…THAT SPLIT SECOND BEFORE THEY WERE HORRIFIED, in THAT INSTANT WHEN THEIR BRAIN SAID, “HOLY SHIT…THAT’S FUCKING FUNNY.”…contained within that moment, Darling, is MY RELIGION. And I gotta say that I believe, with ALL MY HEART, that ol’ Jesus himself would have BELLY LAUGHED at this image. From all that I know of him, Jesus, the man, was AWESOME.

Thank you for thinking that I am a better person — I know with all my heart that there was kindness in your comment — but, the truth is…judging by the gauge with which you were measuring me…I am not. I don’t believe in this god or any other — well, aside from the fact that I believe we are ALL GODS…and I CERTAINLY don’t believe in that gauge. I am just me. Flaws and folly and chin whiskers and all — but I do like to think that I am a good person, anyway, good just for good’s sake.


Thanks for commenting, my brutha.

About muffybolding

Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
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