Speaking solely as one of the TEEMING, WRITHING, UNWASHED, LOW-LIFE, LOW-RENT, BROWN-SKINNED, UPSTART COCKROACH, FUCKMACHINE, SOCIAL-CLIMBING BASTARDS preparing to mount world domination SIMPLY BY MOUNTING EACH OTHER…I’ve been saying this exact same thing FOR YEARS:
We are eventually going to BREED you out of power, my PALE, PURSE-LIPPED, BUTTER-BREATHED, FLAT-ASSED, NO-RHYTHM-HAVING FRIENDS…and THAT is a MATHEMATICAL CERTAINTY — for it is THE DOOM of White People…that they CANNOT FUCK.
And how do you definitively know if you’re white? If you and your family have, at any time, sat your puckered, uptight, Protestant asses around an Ethan Allen Queen Anne dining room table and silently and dispassionately eaten a dinner consisting of pork chops, green beans, applesauce, and white rice with a perfectly square pat of butter on it — or, if you’re related by blood to any child named either Tucker or Mackenzie — YOU’RE FUCKING WHITE, my friend.
Anyway, I hope y’all like curry, kimchi, adobo, paella, mole, wasabi, hummus, and collard greens — ’cause hot dogs and apple pie are goin’ the way of the eight-track, motherfuckers.
God bless America.
And PEACE OUT.
Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
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