For reasons which strike terror into the very core of my being…the past week has been one of the most difficult of my entire life — and the worst part is, I didn’t even see it coming. And, yet…there it was, upon me, snatching the breath from my chest and bringing me to my goddamned knees. Believe me when I tell you, that without the clear-headed logic, reason, compassion, devotion, and brilliance of Gregory…I would most definitely be a goner.

At the moment of impact, my very first thought, as insane and unlikely as it sounds, was a notion from one of my favorite childhood books, C.S. Lewis’, “The Magician’s Nephew.” It continues to echo in my head:

“The Sorceress Jadis was indeed the first evil to enter Narnia on its original day of creation…and her corruption would impact it for ages to come.”

Jadis has indeed entered my world — and no matter how much I may wish her away…she is here. Even when I feel I have her vanquished — she will always be in the shadows…waiting. I suspect that I shall never sleep as soundly nor feel peace in quite the same way again.

And such is the nature of being alive. The rise and fall and rise again.

When you least expect it…EXPECT IT.

Life is both beauty and agony. Calm and storm. Joy and horror. But, we persevere. That is our job here. To hold onto each other. To find strength in love and friendship. To figure it out. To dig deep. To get up and keep moving. To NOT give up. To pour ourselves a drink, put on some lipstick, and fucking pull ourselves together.

Red lipstick.


And onward…yes, ON.


About muffybolding

Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
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3 Responses to on

  1. I think this is what I needed to hear. Thanks, pal.

  2. O my…. Sweet love to you and your generous, brave heart.

    PS… I blessedly have one of those guys … And his name is Gregory.

  3. k a r a h ~ says:

    Reblogged this on k a r a h ~ l i n and commented:
    muffy ~ withered debutante’

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