In ALL of my half century on this everlovin’ planet…in ALL the delicious Chinese food meals my fatass has consumed — and trust me, that’s A LOT — I have never once gotten two fortune cookies in one bag. My first thought was, “HURRAY! FATTIE LIKES FLAVOR!” And my second thought was, “HOLY SHIT. The auspicious nature of these rare twin fortunes just ramped up in droves.”
I opened the first one…and it actually said, “Eat all the chocolate you want. You only live once.” (The ancient Chinese CLEARLY saw my tubby self coming on that one.) I threw my Florida Evans Neck back and belly laughed out loud.
I held my breath and opened the other. This is what it said.
I then proceeded to wolf ALL THEM TASTY MUTHAFUCKAS…and get back to the bidness of writing my book.
Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
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