chubble-helix

Yes, yes, yes, I know that ancestry.com and the like have already collected, deciphered, configured, and provided the genetic and ethnic ancestry on verily MILLIONS of people all over the world who seek to know from whence they came. But, believe me when I tell you, Mein Poppets…they have NOT YET encountered a sketchy, godless, muddled, fuckmachine heritage like mine. As I have said before, I come from a long line of people who like to fuck.

A LOT.

Of different people.

A LOT.

Myself and my kin are a GODDAMNED DISGRACE — but, boy howdy, we sure know how to party and we SURE CAN FUCK. In fact, aside from burglary, larceny, fraudulence, and drugs, it’s pretty much ALL we CAN do. Hey, man…we’re from Fresno. FUCK OFF.

At any rate, rest assured that when ancestry.comreceives my sparkly spittle in the post in a couple of days and feeds it into their machine, that sonofabitch is gonna be smokin’, stutterin’, sputterin’, and SPARKIN’ WHITE HOT tryin’ to break that shit down for a motherfucker. I predict that sucker’ll be a goner LOOOOOOONG before it even gets to the delightful Pacific-Islander “Comfort Women” portion of the program. I pity the fool.

All I can say is…WAIT’LL THEY GET A LOAD OF ME.

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About muffybolding

Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
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