Don’t mind me. Just currently ordering this delightful t-shirt for myself, my 10 siblings, all three of my children, my VAST legions of nieces and nephews and cousins, and EVERY GOTTDAMNED KID RAISED IN AN ETHNIC HOUSEHOLD.
I only had to actually use it but a few select and vital times. Everafter, it was merely THE MYTH that kept asses in line. I carried mine in my purse at ALL times — with the words, “The Enforcer” inscribed upon the side with a black Sharpie pen. When babies became belligerent…all I had to do was raise an eyebrow, don a duck lip, and lift just the tip out of my purse — or what I called SHOWING WOOD — and, after that, babies scattered like adorable cockroaches and ALL WAS WELL.
And, for the record…my babies are GOLDEN.
Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
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Oh yes, the mighty wooden spoon!