i ain’t goin’ down with a GOTTDAMNED thing

A couple of months ago, I rewatched the movie, Titanic — and in doing so, discovered how very much the years have changed me.

I was surprised to find that I wasn’t nearly so caught up in the romance between Jack and Rose, as I was obsessed with the fact that steerage or not, poor Sicilian trash or not, locked down in the bowels of that doomed ship with all the other filthy, stinking, garlic-breathed, godless bilge rats or not — I woulda gnawed straight through the steel hull of that motherloving rig with my goddamned teeth to get out. There wouldn’t have been any of this noble, white-people, pinch-lipped, can’t-fuck, honorably-going-down-with-the-ship-to-the-glorious-orchestral-strains of Nearer My God, To Thee horseshit.


No matter what, please rest assured that MY FAT, SCRAPPY, SCANDALOUS ASS WOULD HAVE SURVIVED — and if the only way to have done that would have been to ruthlessly surf onto shore on the dapper back of the bloated, stinking, nattily-dressed socialite carcass of Mr. Benjamin Guggenheim…well, YOU CAN BET MY FATASS WOULDA BEEN SHOUTIN’ COWABUNGA, MOTHERFUCKERS!



About muffybolding

Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
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