I am just sitting here on this lovely, soft, clement Los Angeles evening, drinking my soy latte, meandering down a random, delightful Facebook path through the pages of all my treasured old Fresno comrades, when suddenly I randomly come upon the page of THE GROWN CHILD of one particular boy with whom I used to be…let’s just say…”quite wicked”, to put it mildly. I gotta tell you, it makes me shake my head and belly chuckle to imagine what she would think if this lovely young woman — who, by the way, has several STRAIGHT-UP BIBLE QUOTES ON HER FB INFO PAGE — knew even a single CAMEL THROUGH THE EYE OF A GODDAMNED NEEDLE about what her now sweet, decent, respectable old dad used to be up to back in the day.
LORD HAVE MERCY.
I am talking about Underage Drinking. Drugs. Larceny. Vandalism. Petty Theft. Trespassing. The Destruction of Crops. The utter DECIMATION of The Mann Act. Human Sacrifice. Dogs and Cats, living together. MASS HYSTERIA.
What I am really talking about here, my friends…are RUTHLESS. TEENAGE. FUCKPIGS.
Man. I’ve had SOME life — but every second of it has been lived DELIBERATELY, even the hard, shitty stuff — and I wouldn’t have it ANY OTHER WAY.
“I’ve seen it all in a small town. Had myself a ball in a small town…and that’s probably where they’ll bury me.”
Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
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