miss sandy

Everybody thinks their Mother is the most beautiful Mother in the world.

But, you see…here’s the thing:

MY MOTHER REALLY IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MOTHER IN THE WORLD.

C’mon, now. Look at these photos.

Countless BEWITCHED men have EAGERLY UNFURLED THEMSELVES AT HER TINY, SQUARE, FILIPINA FREDDIE FLINTSTONE FEET…like DOTING, DEVOTED, ROLLING OCEAN FOAM hurls itself endlessly at the shore.

Yeah. Miss Sandy is a SERIOUS PIECE OF ASS.

And, yeah…I CLEARLY take after MY FATHER’S PEOPLE. Thank you for noticing.

At any rate…in The Most Pulchritudinous Mother In The Whole Wide World Contest…sorry, but MY FATASS WINS.

Happy Mother’s Day to the FIERCE, FABULOUS, TALENTED, MAGICAL, AWESOME broad who taught me to knit when I was three, as well as mop a kitchen floor THE CORRECT WAY (on your ruddy hands and knees, Bitches), cast an astrological chart, sing like Eydie Gorme, comfort a fussy baby, organize a linen closet at 3 am under EXTREME duress, wear fine perfume, and prepare Hamburger Helper for 17. That stunning, glamorous dame pushed me (and EIGHT other humans) into this world through her MAGNIFICENT FILIPINA BAGINE when she was still just a kid herself…a bagine she still douches with Scope Mouthwash. THINK SHE DOESN’T?

I love you, Mother! Thank you for bringing me to this place! Whatever magic that exists within me…MOST ASSUREDLY CAME FROM YOU, Pussy.

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About muffybolding

Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
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