All of my life, I have been on the outside, looking in — never pretty enough, never thin enough, never cool enough, never popular enough. Always different, always from the “weird” family with 400 kids, always out of step with my peers, always feeling like I didn’t belong — ANYWHERE. So, I created my own world, and found others who had created worlds for themselves, as well — and those worlds collided…and now there is a place for me among them. And I finally belong.

And I am happy.

Oh, and a little hint for all you marvelous broads out there who write me asking where you might find your own elusive set of OVARIES:

A large part of that happiness and contentment is that I really and truly — and with ALL of my heart — no longer require ANYBODY’S approval. Nor do I require them to like me, love me, validate me, acknowledge me, or in any way anoint me with their authority. I strive, every minute of every day, to be the absolute best, kindest, most genuine person I can be. But, beyond that? I HONESTLY DON’T GIVE A FUCK WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS OF ME…except ME.

Do you have ANY IDEA, as a woman, how absolutely liberating that is? As a writer and as a human being, that freedom leaves me WIDE OPEN — and I am not talking about being weak, vulnerable, and without self-protection. I AM TALKING ABOUT BEING A WIDE OPEN, FULL-THROTTLE CONDUIT FOR ALL THE BEAUTY AND PASSION AND GRIEF AND JOY AND ART AND SADNESS AND ENLIGHTENMENT AND LESSONS AND LOVE AND COMMUNION THAT THE UNIVERSE CAN MOVE THROUGH ONE PERSON IN ONE LIFETIME. I am talking about being FEARLESS, motherfucker.

You see that chubby little trollop up there? Yeah, the one with the wry smile and about a million character flaws. Well, she’s the best that I’ve got to offer today, Saturday, May 7th, 2016. Deficiencies, damages, faults, and folly. Chin whiskers, glorious gunt, Florida Evans Neck, and all. That’s what I got today, people. That’s what I’m sellin’.

Don’t like her? Don’t approve of her? Don’t find her your particular cup of tea? No problem.



About muffybolding

Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
This entry was posted in categories can suck my dick. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s