Author Archives: muffybolding

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About muffybolding

Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.

no words

Posted on April 12, 2016 by muffybolding

So odd. The older I get, the more I not only appreciate, but actually PREFER, music with no words. Charles Mingus, Charlie Parker, Thelonious Monk, Django, Wagner, DeBussy, Tchaikovsky. I don’t know when it all changed or why it all … Continue reading →

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a boy and his dog

Posted on April 12, 2016 by muffybolding

Fact: If a panhandler or busker has a beloved dog lying beside them, I am 100% more likely to toss them some bills. Translation: I AM A DESPICABLE PERSON.

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jenny

Posted on April 12, 2016 by muffybolding

No, seriously. The best part is that THEM MUTHAFUCKAS BELIEVE ME. Actually, the best part is that a 20-something guy really DID try and pick my fatass up today! He was adorable! And totally serious! And I told him that … Continue reading →

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sister mary muffaletta

Posted on April 12, 2016 by muffybolding

After my BELOVED Willie Nelson joke…this one is my second most favorite. This makes me BELLY LAUGH OUT LOUD EVERY GODDAMNED TIME: The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a … Continue reading →

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purple haze

Posted on April 12, 2016 by muffybolding

My most favorite thing that anybody has ever said to me: I was at a party — flitting about, workin’ the room, makin’ nice, talkin’ shit, belly laughing — and about an hour into the shin-dig, a delightful young woman … Continue reading →

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painful admission

Posted on April 12, 2016 by muffybolding

Inane Muff Fact #714: When I was little, I HONESTLY believed that licking the backs of Easter Seals helped immunize you against crippling childhood muscular diseases. That’s a true story.

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gypsies, tramps, and thieves

Posted on April 12, 2016 by muffybolding

People frequently ask me about my harrowing, hilarious upbringing in Fresno — and I always try my very best to explain the felonious family in which I grew up: We were raised, hopelessly out of place, in a rigorously middle-class, … Continue reading →

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right on, johnny

Posted on April 12, 2016 by muffybolding

And, Black Republicans, Gay Republicans, and Republicans With A Cooter, too. When I hear all my working class Metseecan family back in Fresno are staunch Republicans, I just axe myself WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, Man? ‪#‎shitijustdontgetandneverwill‬ ‪#‎stockholmsyndrome‬‪#‎fuckingyourselfintheassandnotevenhavingthedecencytogiveyourselfareacharound‬

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RAGE

Posted on April 12, 2016 by muffybolding

Let me say, as I verily quiver with righteous anger, that I have fucking HAD IT with the cavalier attitude regarding violence against women in this goddamned country. Make no mistake — violence against women is the most commonly perpetrated … Continue reading →

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too fat to live in a castle

Posted on April 12, 2016 by muffybolding

Oh, hey. That one time I was on film location and my fatass got bent over an ancient butcher’s block like an ancient Sicilian whore and had a screeching REAL chainsaw held above my Florida Evans Neck by an AWESOME, … Continue reading →

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