Author Archives: muffybolding

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About muffybolding

Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.

res ipsa loquitur

Posted on October 4, 2003 by muffybolding

“Nice head, Jer…” — Don Rickles, cracking wise in front of millions of viewers of the 2003 Muscular Dystrophy Labor Day telethon, after glancing over at 77 year-old Jerry Lewis’ monstrously bloated visage due to steroid medication taken for pulmonary … Continue reading →

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sweet jesus, i CANNOT BELIEVE i’m going here

Posted on September 19, 2003 by muffybolding

oh…but i am. the lovely miss rhonda has inspired me with a very…shall we say, in-depth, internal, past revelation about herself and a quite marvelously-shaped bottle of love’s baby soft cologne (my absolute fave scent, by the way; the cologne, … Continue reading →

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a parisian hooker with a heart o’ gold

Posted on September 19, 2003 by muffybolding

and just how NOT shocking was THIS result? please. i live for books, baguettes, coffee, cigarettes, intrigue, cafe life, berets, really stinky cheese, contemptuous behavior, bidets, edith piaf, meaningless marches and demonstrations every five, and fake triangle moustaches etched on … Continue reading →

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school supplies

Posted on September 15, 2003 by muffybolding

Last Christmas, like I do every Christmas, I spent time reading local “Kids’ Letters to Santa Claus”. I always find this an intensely moving experience, as it is somehow — if even for just a moment — being allowed inside … Continue reading →

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empty your purse

Posted on September 15, 2003 by muffybolding

Okay, kids — here’s a little game I’ve come up with, called: “Empty Your Purse, Baby” So…grab your purses, backpacks, satchels, and diaperbags…and spill it, dames. And don’t hold back — in MY version of the game, you get extra … Continue reading →

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“i think i love you…”

Posted on July 31, 2003 by muffybolding

Sweet Jesus — last night I had this REALLY HOT dream…where I was bangin’ around with (get ready) DAVID FUCKING CASSIDY. And now, despite all of my attempts to get on with my day of packing and moving and moving … Continue reading →

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is god dead?

Posted on July 30, 2003 by muffybolding

No, apparently he is alive and well and coming through loud and clear in really cheesy Time-Life music compilations. If there IS a God, may he help us all to survive such mass cultural horrors. What brought this on is … Continue reading →

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more humiliation from my past

Posted on July 25, 2003 by muffybolding

Oh, yeah…and I also thought that Foster Farms was a home for unwanted chickens. At the grocery store, I would always PLEAD with my mother to buy the Foster Farms brand chicken — as I genuinely believed that they had … Continue reading →

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can i get an “amen” from the sticky, frazzled, exhausted, stretch-marked, saggy-titted cheap seats?

Posted on July 17, 2003 by muffybolding

“By and large, mothers and housewives are the only workers who do not have regular time off. They are the great vacationless class.” — Anne Morrow Lindbergh (1907- )

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can i get a rating on van halen?

Posted on July 16, 2003 by muffybolding

Okay…do you all know that song, “Drops of Jupiter” by Train? Yeah, the one where those guys try their asses off to approximate the sound and soul of The Black Crowes — which isn’t really saying much, if you think … Continue reading →

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