Author Archives: muffybolding

About muffybolding

Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.

try me, chief

Delightful Muff Fact #8686: Every single time I have the EXTREME pleasure of BLOCKING INTO THE GOTTDAMNED CORNFIELD some fucking illiterate, dangerously imbalanced, inbred, negative asshole, miniscule-dicked, CAN’T FUCK, RightWing DoucheLord…MY DICK GETS HARD. Do NOT…FUSS…WITH ME, SON.   Advertisements

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jesus

Like I have always said — even when I was just a little girl in Fresno, California being force-fed communion wafers and strangled with rosary beads — extreme religiosity suggests a PROFOUND lack of imagination. And, THAT AIN’T ME. WORD … Continue reading

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urn

For Whom It May Concern: Upon my death, I would like this image engraved upon my urn. Thank you. That is all.

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scratchin’ my itch

Inane Muff Fact #666: Few things in this motherloving life give me as much pleasure as referring to Satan as “Ol’ Scratch.”

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gusband

MY GUSBAND SUCKS COCKS IN HELL. Well, to be more specific, My Gusband — Miss Jackie Beat — sucks Uncut Puerto Rican Clydesdale One-Coke-Can-Thick and Two Coke Cans Long Cocks In Hell…which for her, of course…is HEAVEN.

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chill

HA! Too soon? NEVER.

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listen to your mama

HA! SCREAMING WITH BELLY LAUGHTER!

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hrc

Come on, Man. SHE’S FUCKING DUE. #hillary2016

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fran

“I do not believe in God. I believe in cashmere.” — The IMPROBABLE Fran Lebowitz ‪#‎teamlebowitz‬ ‪#‎franstheman‬ ‪#‎idontbelieveingod‬  ‪#‎ibelieveinfran‬

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now

“Why are you stingy with yourselves? Why are you holding back? What are you saving for—for another time? There are no other times. There is only now. Right now.” — George Balanchine ‪#‎nownownownownownownownownownow‬

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