Category Archives: categories can suck my dick

So odd. The older I get, the more I not only appreciate, but actually PREFER, music with no words. Charles Mingus, Charlie Parker, Thelonious Monk, Django, Wagner, DeBussy, Tchaikovsky. I don’t know when it all changed or why it all … Continue reading →

Fact: If a panhandler or busker has a beloved dog lying beside them, I am 100% more likely to toss them some bills. Translation: I AM A DESPICABLE PERSON.

No, seriously. The best part is that THEM MUTHAFUCKAS BELIEVE ME. Actually, the best part is that a 20-something guy really DID try and pick my fatass up today! He was adorable! And totally serious! And I told him that … Continue reading →

After my BELOVED Willie Nelson joke…this one is my second most favorite. This makes me BELLY LAUGH OUT LOUD EVERY GODDAMNED TIME: The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a … Continue reading →

My most favorite thing that anybody has ever said to me: I was at a party — flitting about, workin’ the room, makin’ nice, talkin’ shit, belly laughing — and about an hour into the shin-dig, a delightful young woman … Continue reading →

Inane Muff Fact #714: When I was little, I HONESTLY believed that licking the backs of Easter Seals helped immunize you against crippling childhood muscular diseases. That’s a true story.

People frequently ask me about my harrowing, hilarious upbringing in Fresno — and I always try my very best to explain the felonious family in which I grew up: We were raised, hopelessly out of place, in a rigorously middle-class, … Continue reading →

And, Black Republicans, Gay Republicans, and Republicans With A Cooter, too. When I hear all my working class Metseecan family back in Fresno are staunch Republicans, I just axe myself WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, Man? ‪#‎shitijustdontgetandneverwill‬ ‪#‎stockholmsyndrome‬‪#‎fuckingyourselfintheassandnotevenhavingthedecencytogiveyourselfareacharound‬

Let me say, as I verily quiver with righteous anger, that I have fucking HAD IT with the cavalier attitude regarding violence against women in this goddamned country. Make no mistake — violence against women is the most commonly perpetrated … Continue reading →

Oh, hey. That one time I was on film location and my fatass got bent over an ancient butcher’s block like an ancient Sicilian whore and had a screeching REAL chainsaw held above my Florida Evans Neck by an AWESOME, … Continue reading →