Okay, Mein Poppets, it’s official. Not that it should come as any surprise to anyone who frequents this depraved, villainous space, mind you, but it is now a MATHEMATICAL CERTAINTY: When I finally feed the goddamned tree — after a WELL-LIVED, CENTURY-LONG ADVENTURE filled with frivolity, fun, friends, food, ferocious feminism, and frequent fornication — I AM GOING STRAIGHT TO HELL. No, not because I have sinned…but because I AM TOO FAT TO TEBOW.
It isn’t even officially Halloween yet, and my little violet-haired hipster and FASHIONISTA DELUXE, Miss Betsy, has already rocked TWO different costumes! Oh, my stars…it’s astonishing how gazing at my baby gives me such INDESCRIBABLE PLEASURE AND DELIGHT. No matter what I may achieve in this life, this beauty and her equally pulchritudinous brother and sister are my single greatest accomplishments.
Rock on, Betty Sue! Mama LOVES you!
Muff Rule #722: EVERY human being should have to clean houses and/or wait tables at some point in their lives. Not only does it teach you valuable work skills, it also teaches you RESPECT for those who earn their living in the service industry. You wanna piss me off? Treat a waitperson poorly in front of me just to make yourself look better and SEE WHAT HAPPENS, my friend. YEAH. I have ZERO toleration for that sort of condescending horseshit behavior. Talk about unleashing the fucking KRAKEN. With me, that shit is NON-NEGOTIABLE. I will CUT A BITCH OFF…and then CUT A BITCH UP.
Don’t believe it? TRY MY FATASS.
Welp. That’s it. Mama has now officially CROSSED THE RUBICON. Because of both time and health issues, this scandalous ruffian from Fresno who is DEFIANTLY PROUD of her working class roots — and who used to clean other people’s houses to feed and diaper her babies — is now scheduled to have someone else clean HER house. UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE. I have already warned Gregory to expect a FULL-ON WEEPING, GNASHING, PROLETARIAT BREAKDOWN.
GAUD HELP ME.
PS) “Proletariat Breakdown” is the name of my new band.
Okay, well, I am still in bed…but at least I am now able TO SIT UP IN BED. This week of HIDEOUS AFFLICTION has been UNPRECEDENTED and STRICTLY OFF TRACK. To my oh, so understanding writing partner, the oh, so awesome journalist with whom I had to cancel an interview, and my oh, so poor unfortunate husband and gusband for having to endure a largely unconscious wife and slusband…my MOST SINCERE APOLOGIES.
On the other hand, thanks be to gaud and everybody for your lovely thoughts of healing and fancy suggestions for creative flu curatives! Special thanks go out to Netflix for allowing me to watch “Valley of the Dolls” on a fabulous, feverish, never-ending loop; Starbucks Coffee for their delicious, life-giving soy lattes which were procured and hand-delivered unto me by numerous, adorable, severely put-upon offspring; The MIGHTY Proctor and Gamble Company, for both their DIGNITY-RESTORING BABY WIPES and their magickal shamanic potion, NyQuil, which brings on dreams and visions that can and will change the world (well, MY world, anyway); and the noble and imperious Czarina Pearlina — for sitting vigil on my pillow as I wind and wander my way back to blistering good health.
I shall return!
Yes, this delightful, little video was made a few days ago for my adorable daughter, Betsy, by the boy who took her to the prom at Coronado High School.
Yes, these brave boys are stationed in Iraq.
Yes, they are ABSOLUTELY DARLING.
And lastly, YES…that is a Pocket Pussy said boy is using as a microphone.
GAUD BLESS OUR AWESOME ARMED FORCES…and GAUD BLESS AMERICA.
BRING IT HOME, BOYS!
And, then…really and truly BRING IT HOME.
Godspeed, little brothers.
“When it gets down to having to use violence, then you are playing The System’s game. The Establishment will irritate you, pull your beard, flick your face to make you fight — because once they’ve got you violent, they know how to handle you. The only thing they don’t know how to handle is non-violence and humor.” — John Lennon, 1940-1980
So, these unspeakable dicks actually named their beautiful baby daughters, “Unwanted”, did they?
YOU GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS.
Yes, yes, I get the argument that unique, possibly ancient, cultural practices are awesome and should be respected — stay true to your roots, I say… celebrate our differences. Absolutely. I’ll be the first bastard to agree with you that xenophobia, in all its many forms, sucks. With respect to others practicing disparate cultural traditions with which I am unfamiliar, I got no problem. No problem, that is, UNTIL BY DOING SO THEY SOMEHOW MARGINALIZE, SUBJUGATE, TORTURE, or EXPLOIT WOMEN, motherfucker.
NOW WE GOT A PROBLEM.
You see, as far as I’m concerned, this incident isn’t just some mysterious little cultural quirk — this is a FUCKING HUMAN RIGHTS ISSUE and should be treated as such. Identification, condemnation, and eradication should be SWIFT and without mercy. Good for these officials for shedding light on an ugly, sexist, hurtful practice whose time has LONG PASSED. In the 21st Century, women are no longer chattel, goddamnit, and to literally brand them as “substandard” or “undesirable” should not be tolerated ANYWHERE — New York OR New Delhi. Surgically removing a young girl’s clitoris with an unsterilized, broken beer bottle and no anesthetic is a charming little cultural practice, as well — but we no longer turn our heads and tolerate that, so why should we do so with this? Mutilating a female’s genitals and destroying her potential for experiencing one of life’s greatest and most profound pleasures is no different than mutilating and destroying her self-esteem or her spirit. THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE.
At any rate, at least these young girls are now being allowed to shed and refute the oh, so delightful name given to them by their loving, thoughtful parents, and instead bestow upon themselves one of their own choosing.
If this were me, I know exactly what I would adopt as my new moniker, though I will need a little help with the translation:
How does one say, “GO FUCK YOURSELF, MOM AND DAD; I’M FABULOUS!” in Hindi?
“What is [my] idea of complete sophistication? Complete vulgarity. The vulgar man is always the most sophisticated, for the very desire to be sophisticated is vulgar. And without an element of vulgarity, no man can become a work of art.” — The both DESPICABLE and DELIGHTFUL English writer, artist, libertine, and dandy, Sebastian Horsley, 1962-2010. (Horsley also passionately argued that prostitution should not be legalized, as that would take away part of its thrill.)
“Flesh sells. People don’t want to see pictures of churches. They want to see naked bodies.” — Helen Mirren
muffy bolding 