This morning as I was waking, the following profound realization floated into my head as I gently crossed from that place into this one: I am FAR more a GAY MAN…than I am a STRAIGHT WOMAN. And now that I really think about it…I’ll be goddamned if I don’t move through this world like a POWER QUEEN — just like all the fabulous, amazing men by whom I am constantly surrounded.
My name is Muffy Bolding…AND I AM A GAY MAN.
“This goes along with another belief of mine: that everyone else my age is an adult, whereas I am merely in disguise.” — Margaret Atwood, Cat’s Eye
We have an old friend — a BRILLIANT, HILARIOUS ol’ queen who has been a successful casting agent for probably damn near as long as my fatass has been sashaying about on this planet — WHO HAS FUCKING SEEN IT ALL. I live to hear his scandalous tales of all the FAB male movie stars he and his partner have slept with over the years. SO COMPLETELY ON TRACK!
Anyway, because NO AMOUNT OF SKULLDUGGERY WILL EVER BE ENOUGH FOR A CURIOUS OLD HOOKER LIKE ME, a few years ago I asked him if they’d ever nailed any of the celebrity broads they worked with and he told me that, even through all the delightful decadence and debauchery of the 1970s, he’d only slept with ONE woman.
Tasting blood, I then asked how he liked it…and he looked thoughtful for a moment, took a slow sip of his Screwdriver, and, with a face as serious as Stonehenge, answered: “Well, the actual fucking and sucking part wasn’t so bad…but I’ll tell you, honey, I haven’t been able to eat Lobster Bisque since.”
I always know it’s time for a gottdamned haircut when I look in the mirror and see Marcia Brady’s pencil sketch of George Washington — the one for which she got roundhouse kicked in the taco, sent to detention, and stripped of her slumber party privileges.
“Mrs. Denton? Or a hippopotamus? Or that old hooker, Muffy Bolding?”
YOU DECIDE.
“You know, when I first went into the movies, Lionel Barrymore played my grandfather. Later he played my father and finally he played my husband. If he had lived, I’m sure I would have played his mother. That’s the way it is in Hollywood. The men get younger and the women get older.” — Lillian Gish
“When you’re 50 you start thinking about things you haven’t thought about before. I used to think getting old was about vanity — but actually it’s about losing people you love. Getting wrinkles is trivial.” — Joyce Carol Oates
“We need to make books cool again. If you go home with somebody and they don’t have books, don’t fuck them.” — John Waters
My 16 year old son, Otis — the intellectual sports savant who wants to be a sports journalist and has been a DIE HARD Yankees fan since he was a toddler and first fell in love with the history and mythology of baseball — is in the other room, still slumbering peacefully. He has not yet awoken to The News. I’ve decided to give him one last night of dreams, miracles, massacres, greed, triumph, scandal, and legend before he awakens to the reality of a world without Georgie Steinbrenner. Sleep well, my beautiful, beautiful boy — and dream.
“Not only does society suffer from racism and sexism but it also suffers from ageism. Once you reach a certain age you’re not allowed to be adventurous, you’re not allowed to be sexual. I mean, is there a rule? Are you supposed to just die?” — Madonna Louise Veronica Ciccone, 51
muffy bolding 