you gotta be fucking kidding me

Let me tell you an ugly little secret about myself, kids.

Even if the house was free.

Even if it was a free fucking mansion, a gorgeous free fucking mansion that came complete with a surly Clive Owen, naked and eager and permanently ensconced on the property for my boning pleasure.

And there was a Taco Bell and a Starbucks installed in the kitchen at my 24 hour beck and call.

Oh, and Jon Stewart was there to read me the news and make me belly laugh — okay, and to throw me the occasional fingerbang, as well.

And a sneering, callous James Spader, circa 1986, was there as my full-time masseur, shitkicker, and spankmeister.

Even it was a free motherfucking 37 bedroom Mid-Century Modern mansion filled with the original paintings of Joan Miro and Modigliani themselves.

And Valley of the Dolls played on a neverending loop every minute of every day on a huge, HI-DEF, flatscreen tv hanging on the wall above my whirlpool bathtub, in which Clivey, Jonny, Jimmy, and I soak together in scalding hot bubbles for hours at a time.

And every afternoon Tom Jones serenaded me from the pool house where hot, hung Filipino cabana boys lived solely to serve me Bloody Mary’s and cherry cheesecake — a mansion just for me, with all those components perpetually provided.

Even then…

I still could not live on La Tuna Canyon Road in a city named “La Tuna Canyon, California.”

No way, no how. Every time I spoke my address out loud, I would snicker and smirk for the rest of my goddamned days.

That’s not the name of a city, for chrissake — it’s the punchline of a dirty joke.

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About muffybolding

Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
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