you gotta be fucking kidding me

Let me tell you an ugly little secret about myself, kids.

Even if the house was free.

Even if it was a free fucking mansion, a gorgeous free fucking mansion that came complete with a surly Clive Owen, naked and eager and permanently ensconced on the property for my boning pleasure.

And there was a Taco Bell and a Starbucks installed in the kitchen at my 24 hour beck and call.

Oh, and Jon Stewart was there to read me the news and make me belly laugh — okay, and to throw me the occasional fingerbang, as well.

And a sneering, callous James Spader, circa 1986, was there as my full-time masseur, shitkicker, and spankmeister.

Even it was a free motherfucking 37 bedroom Mid-Century Modern mansion filled with the original paintings of Joan Miro and Modigliani themselves.

And Valley of the Dolls played on a neverending loop every minute of every day on a huge, HI-DEF, flatscreen tv hanging on the wall above my whirlpool bathtub, in which Clivey, Jonny, Jimmy, and I soak together in scalding hot bubbles for hours at a time.

And every afternoon Tom Jones serenaded me from the pool house where hot, hung Filipino cabana boys lived solely to serve me Bloody Mary’s and cherry cheesecake — a mansion just for me, with all those components perpetually provided.

Even then…

I still could not live on La Tuna Canyon Road in a city named “La Tuna Canyon, California.”

No way, no how. Every time I spoke my address out loud, I would snicker and smirk for the rest of my goddamned days.

That’s not the name of a city, for chrissake — it’s the punchline of a dirty joke.

About muffybolding

Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
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17 Responses to you gotta be fucking kidding me

  1. cream_tea says:

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! That is so my new name for the girl parts!

  2. cream_tea says:

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! That is so my new name for the girl parts!

  3. muffybolding says:

    HA! i love it!
    jesus christ, i imagine there is an old “la tuna canyon” city founder BELLY LAUGHING somewhere right now in his motherfucking grave. the people that founded and named this city were either incredibly naive and unsophisticated…or else they had one GLORIOUS sense of humor and a sincere appreciation of the absurd.
    OR…maybe you and i are just COMPLETELY INSANE AND OBSESSED WITH BODILY FUNCTION.
    lord…knowing us (and !), that last explanation may very well be it.
    =;-)
    xoxo

  4. muffybolding says:

    HA! i love it!
    jesus christ, i imagine there is an old “la tuna canyon” city founder BELLY LAUGHING somewhere right now in his motherfucking grave. the people that founded and named this city were either incredibly naive and unsophisticated…or else they had one GLORIOUS sense of humor and a sincere appreciation of the absurd.
    OR…maybe you and i are just COMPLETELY INSANE AND OBSESSED WITH BODILY FUNCTION.
    lord…knowing us (and !), that last explanation may very well be it.
    =;-)
    xoxo

  5. acthomas says:

    Yeah, there’s a little area close by here called “COCKEYSVILLE” and I can not refer to it without a smirk. It’s unbelievable.

  6. acthomas says:

    Yeah, there’s a little area close by here called “COCKEYSVILLE” and I can not refer to it without a smirk. It’s unbelievable.

  7. scoutj says:

    Ha! That’s what I always thought about this ski area near us in NH called Crotched Mountain. let’s go ski at Crotched!
    http://www.crotchedmountain.com/

  8. scoutj says:

    Ha! That’s what I always thought about this ski area near us in NH called Crotched Mountain. let’s go ski at Crotched!
    http://www.crotchedmountain.com/

  9. lesli says:

    The hot hung cabana boys would do it for me alone……..all the other stuff would be icing on the cake.

  10. lesli says:

    The hot hung cabana boys would do it for me alone……..all the other stuff would be icing on the cake.

  11. chreebomb says:

    omg. i have tears running down my cheeks. at work! and i thought los banos, CA was bad!
    funny, though, because in the shower this morning, i was wondering whereabouts in CA you live. don’t ask why i was thinking about you as i shaved my pits. i just was, k?

  12. chreebomb says:

    omg. i have tears running down my cheeks. at work! and i thought los banos, CA was bad!
    funny, though, because in the shower this morning, i was wondering whereabouts in CA you live. don’t ask why i was thinking about you as i shaved my pits. i just was, k?

  13. What about..
    La Casa de la Vulva?
    or
    Le Maison De Sphinkter?
    or
    Chateau Le Smegma?

  14. What about..
    La Casa de la Vulva?
    or
    Le Maison De Sphinkter?
    or
    Chateau Le Smegma?

  15. saltydogsal says:

    sounds like a good reason to move there to me!

  16. saltydogsal says:

    sounds like a good reason to move there to me!

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