Have you ever dated a guy who made CRAZY EYES when he was fucking you? I’m not talking about “Crazy ‘O’ Face” here — everybody has that, for chrissake. I’m talking about actual CRAZY EYES while he’s nailing you. Talk about a buzzkill. Frankly, when a guy fucks me with CRAZY EYES, he cock-blocks himself. It makes the flesh crawl right off my body and out of my bed. Just hand me the remote and get the fuck out, dude. I’m so done.

And on that delightful note…this I guarantee you: MITT ROMNEY CANNOT FUCK.

And further, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and unequivocally state that if you are a Republican, YOU CAN’T FUCK*. It is a mathematical certainty. You just can’t. There is an ebb and flow to this life…a beat, a rhythm. We are born to it. Conservative Republicans can’t dance because they can’t feel that beat or that rhythm, and that’s because hate, intolerance, and certainly Fundamentalist Christianity cut you off from feeling it — and everybody knows that if you can’t dance, you can’t fuck. It’s as simple as that, Mein Poppets. Those beliefs neuter you. They castrate your connection to The Great Throbbing Pulsing Disco Beat that is this universe and is this life — the single, infinite beat that ties us all one to the other. When you live your life steeped in hatred and intolerance, you are deaf to that beat and its enticing call. You don’t get to feel it move through you, bringing alive every cell in your being, calling you to join in The Dance. And it’s not just that you won’t dance — it’s that you can’t.

Now Obama? For however disappointed I am with his presidency thus far — oh, and trust me, WE GOT SOME DEFINITE ISSUES TO WORK OUT, ol’ Barry and I — there is one thing that cannot be denied:

That guy can FLAT FUCK.

*With the exception of my old friend, DeWayne Link. Now THAT OL’ BOY CAN FUCK.