I have been online for almost TWENTY FUCKING YEARS. Trust me, in that time, I have seen and heard it all.
I once had cyber-sex with a guy who had a leg fetish…who told me that what would turn him on the most is me blowing him — whilst I simultaneously bench-pressed a fully-loaded railroad car…so he could watch my thigh and calf muscles strain against the weight.
I have seen pictures of the black smoke billowing up from the wreckage of The Twin Towers on September 11th, 2001 — that supposedly contained the image of the delighted face of Satan…surveying the devastation he doth wrought upon our nation.
I have seen pictures of diseased 19th century Tongan guys with balls the size of your fucking head.
I have seen broads blowing Shetland ponies with a smile on their face. The broads, not the ponies.
But the absolute MOST HILARIOUS thing I have ever seen in my entire life, BAR NONE…is this:
As Maude is my witness, I want this picture rolled up and buried with me in my fucking urn…so I can BELLY LAUGH until the end of time.
Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
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