“this isn’t a dream…THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING!”

And speaking of my unhealthy obsession with the film, “Rosemary’s Baby” — about seven years ago, I made an executive decision to at long last change the classic bob hairstyle that has been my headly calling card since before the goddamned Carter Administration. So, I walked to an ol’ school men’s barbershop by the sea and boldly marched my fatass up to a crusty punk hairdresser with a thousand tatts and torpedo tits…and told her, “Yes. I FULLY realize that I am fat, Sicilian, and middle-aged and the result will most definitely not live up to the EPIC aesthetic fantasy inside of my dangerously imbalanced brain…but will you please just look past all that and give me the infamous Rosemary Woodhouse Vidal Sassoon cut?” Being a HUGE horror fangirl, she, of course, smiled a wicked smile and said, “LET’S DO THIS, BITCH.”

And so…we did.

sassoon_farrow

The only problem, however, is that it never, ever occurred to me that, when it’s long, Mia Farrow actually has fine, curly hair…and I, of course, do not. Consequently, because I am a FAT GIRL FROM FRESNO WITH THICK, STRAIGHT HAIR…I looked less like the gorgeous, glowing, gamine, Mid-Century mother of the anti-Christ…and more like PETE FUCKING ROSE.

Pete

Yeah. Picture THAT, won’t you? When they saw me walk through the front door after my ruthless crusty punk shorning…all three of my children ACTUALLY STARTED BELLY CRYING OUT LOUD.

Of course, I have now LONG been back dancing with my CLASSIC BOB…but, at least I can say this for myself: For a fleeting moment in time, I looked as BUTCH ON THE OUTSIDE, AS I AM ON THE INSIDE. They can ban me from major league baseball for the rest of my mortal life, goddamnit, but they CAN’T take THAT away from me.

I’M BUTCH!

Bonus Photo for those who have actually stuck around long enough to finish this drivelous tale!: Me with my Rosemary Woodhouse hairdo…actually KISSING the anti-Christ.

muffy_and_the_devil

Advertisements

About muffybolding

Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
This entry was posted in categories can suck my dick. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to “this isn’t a dream…THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING!”

  1. kara says:

    Your blog rocks Muffy~ I love reading what you write!!!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s