In my felonious family…we laugh at everything. EVERYTHING. It is, in fact, the only reason most of us are still alive.
Most of us.
For example, when my GORGEOUS, GLAMOROUS little sister, Julia, tragically died from a drug overdose nearly seven years ago, she had been dead for several days before she was found. Obviously, in that situation, she did not retain the pulchritude in death that she SO famously enjoyed in life. Alive? She was STUNNING. In death? SHE LOOKED LIKE SHREK.
During the HORRIFIC and UNIMAGINABLE week that followed for myself and my family…the first joke was made right around day three — and it was made by ME.
I announced to my over half a dozen shell-shocked siblings, who were all gathered on the floor of a huge walk-in closet at another sister’s house — draped all over each other in a massive, wailing, weeping, cabal/puppy pile of grief and booze and prescription drugs — “Jesus Christ, if Julia knew how MOTHERFUCKING BLOATED, GREEN, and HIDEOUS she looked right now all laid out on that goddamned coroner’s slab, SHE’D FUCKING KILL HERSELF ALL OVER AGAIN.”
You CANNOT IMAGINE THE MAGNIFICENT PEALS OF BELLY LAUGHTER that followed. The relief. The release. The TRUTH.
It really was glorious.
SHE was glorious.
And had she been there…she would have belly laughed harder than any of us.
Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
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