Jesus Gottdamned Christ. Have you ever noticed that convicts, outlaws, bikers, and old stoners ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS claim to be, “part Cherokee on my Mama’s side”? What the fuck is THAT all about? And, that no matter what kind of dog they have — even if it’s a motherloving standard poodle — it’s always, “part wolf.”
Bonus Muff Fun Fact #213:
I am NOT part Cherokee on my Mama’s side.
But I am, however, PART WOLF.
What more can I possibly say about myself and my 10 equally FIERCE and FERAL siblings…than that which is captured DEAD FUCKING ON in those two bottom pics, Mein Poppets.
THOSE TWO PHOTOS ARE THE EPIC EMBODIMENT OF MY GODDAMNED “LORD OF THE FRESNO FLIES” CHILDHOOD.
#sleeperholdsandfivestarfrogsplashesarehowweshowourloveforeachother
#yesweallemergedfromthesamefilipinapastramipunanibutiwillSTILLbustyomuthafuckinass
Welcome, Welcome, BELOVED OCTOBER! Let the SEASON OF SCARY STUFF BEGIN!
As our BEAUTIFUL Baby Goat once very earnestly said to me in her DEAD-ON GONZO MUPPET VOICE when she was just three years old:
“I like to keep it REAL SPOOKY.”
Mother of Maude. How DARLING and ADORABLE is My One True Love in his cute new spectacles?
SWOOOOOOON!
PS) Yes, I am married to Elvis Costello.
If Miss Jane Hathaway and I had a baby together…this horrified, disgusted tiny nerd girl WOULD SURELY BE IT.
Also: I CAN LITERALLY TELL THAT GUY’S GODDAMNED RELIGION JUST BY GAZING AMAZED AT THIS PHOTOGRAPH.
Also: I was conceived in CAMELTOE, CONNECTICUT.
Also: I originally hail from MOOSEKNUCKLE, MISSISSIPPI.
Also: I was raised in SQUASHEDCOCK, SOUTH CAROLINA.
Also: I made my grande society debut in SPLITDICK, DELAWARE.
Also: I will be laid to rest in TIGHTTAINT, LOUISIANA.
SOMEBODY STOP ME!
Even when it’s difficult and perilous and you feel like you cannot take one more breath nor one more step, you do…because even when it’s hard, life is still so fucking gorgeous.
Never forget: Be bold, fight on, and MIGHTY FORCES WILL COME TO YOUR AID.
#answeredprayers
#queenoftheuniverse
#motherofmercy
#shewhohearsthecriesoftheworld
The Fat Genie Who Looks Exactly Like Aunt Bea From “The Andy Griffith Show” says:
RUB MY GUNT…and MAKE A WISH, BITCHES!
Oh, and for the record:
MAJOR NELSON CANNOT FUCK.
Because that’s what ol’ Teddy did.
Shantih. Shantih. Shantih.
And, Amen.
#ATIGHTWHACKOFTHORAZINEISTHENAMEOFMYNEWBAND
OH, MY STARS! So, this weekend is Gay Days at Disneyland and last night my fatass is lying here all cozy with Gregory and Pearlie Mae…knitting and watching, “The Roosevelts” on PBS (Can you say OBSESSED?!) and from out of the blue I get a sweet message from this DARLING queen, Mr. Jon Cortez, along with an ADORABLE pic of him galavanting about The Magic Kingdom…WEARING A GOTTDAMNED T-SHIRT WITH MY VERY OWN GOTTDAMNED FACE ON IT — IN HONOR OF ALL THE FAGGOTRY AFOOT THERE IN WALT’S WORLD! HOLY SHIT! Can you say SURPRISED and DELIGHTED BEYOND ALL REASON?!
Gosh, thank you SO much for the love, sir…I am SO MOTHERLOVING HONORED I can scarcely keep from pissing my Granny Panties. Scarcely. Now THAT is honored.
When you SWISH UPON A STAR…YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE.
Imagine my surprise and delight when a friend posted this FABULOUS rendering of an Old Hooker on my Facebook page today. CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE? I am both blown away and HONORED BEYOND REASON. It’s perfect! The only thing missing are my BLITHERING CHIN WHISKERS.
Miss Athena Arquez…thank you with ALL my wicked, wicked heart.
muffy bolding 