Just got the following comment posted on my Facebook wall by the glorious and glamorous Damon Devine…about my behavior last night at The Abbey:
“I saw Muffy last night, wildly knitting like Joan Crawford during the filming of The Women. Made my night!”
HA! And with that, Herr Devine…YOU JUST MADE MINE, sir! SO GOOD! Love you!
Just finished watching The AMAZING 64th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards with Gregory and the chihuahuas and there are a few things on which I would now like to report:
1) So, call me a cunt who holds a grudge…but no matter how much “My So Called Life” changed your own back in the day, no matter how AMAZING everybody tells me her show, “Homeland”, is and no matter how many Emmys she may win…Claire Danes is STILL A RUTHLESS PUTA WHO DONE TOOK ANOTHER WOMAN’S MAN WHILST THAT WOMAN WAS SEVEN MONTHS PREGNANT — and for me, a working class girl from Fresno, California, that shit is NON-NEGOTIABLE and UNFORGIVABLE. So…first of all, FUCK THE GUY (Billy Crudup) for being weak, despicable, and without honor…and FUCK CLAIRE DANES, who is herself now pregnant with her first child. I hope her husband gets a hand-release from Mary Louise Parker in the bathroom at The Nokia Theatre tonight — and if ol’ Mary Louise won’t give him one…I WILL. I am wearing a 10 year old Target schmata and have not yet warshed my vagina today — but I could baby wipe that shit and be down there in like ten minutes. Just let a bitch know.
2) I can’t believe Richard Dawson died. AGAIN. That guy’s died like three times.
3) I can’t decide which was my favorite belly laugh of the night — Tracy Morgan’s, “Here, hold my nunchucks.” or Jimmy Kimmel’s AMAZING, “Yes, my dad looks exactly like Wolf Blitzer.”
4) Every time I saw one of the AMAZING women who write, create, direct, produce, or act in what is, without question, one of the most brilliant television seasons of the modern age, I just kept saying out loud to no one in particular, “GET IT, GIRL.” It felt like a benediction.
5) The AMAZING Jessica Lange is the best thing that has ever happened to any of us. EVER.
6) The AMAZING Louis CK will save us all.
5) Every time some motherfucker used the word, “AMAZING” — and, trust me, EVERY SINGLE MOTHERFUCKER WHO OPENED THEIR MOUTH TONIGHT DID — Gregory and I chugged Jager. I’m hammered. Oh, and I didn’t warsh my vagina today. WHATEVER.
I miss Phyllis Diller.
My god, how I ADORE THIS WOMAN.
And, OF COURSE she was a Leo. Knitter PLEASE.
“Elegance is innate. It has nothing to do with being well dressed. Elegance is refusal.” — Diana Vreeland
I ADORE HER.
“I am a strong Ukrainian girl, that is why I work a lot.” — Milla Jovovich
(Photographer: Peter Lindbergh. Vogue Italia September 2012)
TESTIFY, MY SISTER!
“Woman must have her freedom, the fundamental freedom of choosing whether or not she will be a mother and how many children she will have. Regardless of what man’s attitude may be, that problem is hers — and before it can be his, it is hers alone. She goes through the vale of death alone, each time a babe is born. As it is the right neither of man nor the state to coerce her into this ordeal, so it is her right to decide whether she will endure it.” — Margaret Sanger
I woke up this morning thinking about an old childhood friend, Janel Davis, whom I have not seen in years and years — and remembering how much our adolescent selves worshipped Rod Stewart. We would sit on the grass at lunch at Tenaya Middle School in Fresno, California, in our baby blue saddle back Dittos, our lips glistening with bubble gum Lip Smackers…and sing this song with ALL our hearts…and REALLY, REALLY mean every word, even though, at 13, we had NO IDEA what every word really meant.
And now we are both middle-aged women with children twice the age we were when a best friend, a single song, the right pair of pants, and the endless possibilities of life stretching out in front of you could mean so much.
This one’s for you, Janel…wherever you are.
Oddly enough — though actually not THAT odd if you really think about the delightfully sodomitic circles in which I cavort — I am one of the very few in my close cadre of friends who has children. Though, in light of the inexplicable, inexcusable statement recently made by that woefully ignorant Nancy Boy, Rupert Everett, may I add that my gay friends who DO have children are some of the most AMAZING parents I know (I’m looking at you, Joe Earley, Adrian J Alvarez, Alec Mapa, and Jamie Hebert). We should all be so lucky to have parents like these guys. THEY ARE ABSOLUTELY BREATHTAKING. Will you bitches be my Mother?
With that said, gay or straight, parenting is BY FAR the hardest gig you will ever have. EVER. Even when it’s terrific, it’s TERRIFYING. So, for all my childless friends — whether by choice or by circumstance — who always ask me, “What is it like being a parent? What does it feel like to be responsible for THE VERY LIFE of another human being?”
This. This is my answer.
My guess is that if ol’ Jesus were to come blasting back amongst us today — all piercing blue eyes, great bone structure, and stinking homespun robes — he wouldn’t think much of the vast majority of those who profess to live by his word.
I am not a Christian myself, but I will tell you that I believe with all my heart that Jesus was a god, an activist, a humanitarian, a peacemaker, and a BOSS…but so can WE ALL BE…if we choose to spend our lives bringing love, light, compassion, and tolerance to the world like he did.
JESUS TOTALLY RULED.
EGREGIOUS PRIVILEGE MARGIN CALL, MOTHERFUCKERS:
“Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely, in broad daylight! Openly wearing symbols of their religion…perhaps around their necks. And maybe — dare I dream it? — there can be an openly Christian president. Or perhaps, 43 of them…consecutively.” — Jon Stewart
As someone who is fortunate enough to have been mentored, acknowledged, encouraged, and championed by a series of FIERCE, BRILLIANT women in my own past, and who has, in turn, passionately committed herself to helping other women recognize the SHEER, AWESOME POWER AND BEAUTY THAT THEY POSSESS — so that they might control their own destinies and make their own dreams come true — and as someone who works with great ebullience and delight at that commitment every single day of her life…may I just say:
This is how you fucking do it, Mein Poppets.
THIS IS HOW IT’S DONE.
Obama-Biden 2012
muffy bolding 