Category Archives: categories can suck my dick

Yesterday, my friend, Miss Jackie Beat, posted the following query on my wall — ” I need to know, WHO PISSED YOU OFF!?” Here is my response: Phyllis Schlafly. ANYONE, ANYWHERE who harms a child or an animal. The angry, … Continue reading →

YOU GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS. I already have an inexplicable, scorching case of diarrhea — and now I unexpectedly start my period, as well? This is a GODDAMNED OUTRAGE, I tell you. Now I know what a … Continue reading →

An open letter to all you ANNOYING Self-Appointed Language Police Pricks out there. Here’s my heartfelt message to you: GO FUCK YOURSELF. The language? She is MINE…to do with as I please. I wake up with copies of Strunk and … Continue reading →

I was recently informed that I look like a vintage Cold War Russian spy in my picture with the faux fur coat and ancient black spectacles so, in celebration, I have adopted an appropriate top secret moniker…but SHHHHHH! Don’t tell … Continue reading →

“At a certain age, everyone finally admits to loving babies, puppies and California.” — Miss Jackie Beat (Goddamn, I LOVE my brilliant friends!)

This morning as I was taking my son, Otis, to school, I was thinking about how very lucky I am to be married to My One True Love — which then led to thoughts of what exactly makes a good … Continue reading →

“There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, … Continue reading →

I have made an executive decision: Up ’til now, so much of my story has been about what I have survived or overcome. Henceforth, it will be about me SPLINTERING INTO A MILLION TINY PIECES the souls and bones of … Continue reading →

And speaking about my friends treating my fatass to AWESOME KNITTING ACCOUTREMENT…while we were shooting our most recent movie, I posted a picture that captured my on-set knit shit, and my friend, Jennifer Irwin, noticed that — like the Fresno … Continue reading →

The 11th Commandment: DO NOT COVET THY MUFFSTER’S SNAP-LOOP, MOTHERFUCKERS. This is the VERY ESSENCE of ON TRACK.