“Yes, Jackie does look sort of vacant…soulless…empty…Stepfordish here, doesn’t he? And just exactly how twisted is it that that makes me want to make out with him EVEN MORE?” — Muffy Bolding (seen here with the lovely Taylor Negron and the vacant, soulless, empty, Stepfordish, yet COMPLETELY HOT, Jackie Beat, 2011.)
Gosh, just think of it! Two of my grandest and most enduring obsessions all in the very same quote. Fancy!
“Babe Paley had only one fault. She was perfect. Otherwise, she was perfect.” — Truman Capote
There is something completely singular, unique, and all-consuming about the relationship between women like me — whose first little girl crushes tend to be not on their manly daddies or boyish Ken dolls, but on guys like Uncle Arthur or Charles Nelson-Reilly — and their legions of beloved gay male friends. I swear to christ, so much do I love and adore them and require their company, creativity, humor and influence…that if I weren’t already married, I would marry each and every one of them — and live happily ever after in a tastefully decorated, Mid-Century cottage by the sea.
So, all my love, respect, gratitude, admiration, and awe…to the gorgeous, glorious, glamorous Godmother and Patron Saint of Fag Hags everywhere: Miss Babe Paley.
Thanks, Saint Babe, for showing us how it’s done — and for putting up with that brilliant, vicious little bitch, Truman, for as long as you did. He was a pain-in-the-ass, true — but man, was he extraordinary…and so were you.
I am EXCITED beyond measure to have been invited to this show by the man of the hour himself, the amazing Mr. Taylor Negron. He is such a fine and talented actor, and he has done things in his career that most performers can only dream of. Oh, and if you’ve never read his writing, prepare to be blown away, like I was, by his essay about meeting Lucille Ball called, “The Pink Gorilla” (Tuesdays With Lucy). Read it and literally weep. I did.
“Downward Facing Bitch”
By Taylor Negron
Directed by Kiff Scholl
STARRING: Melanie Hutsell (SNL), Melinda Hill (Reno 911!), Gabrielle Sanalitro (Dexter), Keith Allan (Big Time Rush), Austin Hebert (Lawless), Victor Isaac (Being John Malkovich) and Taylor Negron (The Last Boy Scout).
Comedy Central Stage at the Hudson
6539 Santa Monica Boulevard
[cross street Hudson Avenue between Highland and Vine]
Monday, January 10, 2011
Show begins at 8:00pm
Absolutely Free
Reservations Required
To RSVP, please call 323.960.5519
Street and Lot Parking Available
But for all his brilliant ability to bring me to my fucking knees with his talent, the one part of his that always make me BELLY LAUGH OUT LOUD whenever I watch it or even think about it is his turn as the bored, hateful, stone-faced delivery guy who delivers a double cheese and sausage pizza to Spicoli in Mr. Hand’s history class in, “Fast Times at Ridgemont High.” COMPLETELY ON TRACK.
Love you, Taylor! Break a leg tonight, sugar!
Love. Communion. Laughter. Chihuahuas. Hot Coffee. Hot shower. Brisk weather. Cozy cashmere cardigan sweater. Delightful, inspiring work — and brilliant, amazing colleagues to create it with. I axe you, what could be better than waking up on a gottdamned Monday morning EAGER and EXCITED to get one’s fatass to work? Okay, maybe getting finger-banged by Jon Stewart…but this is DEFINITELY a close second.
Have an awesome week!
You think you know heaven? Well, YOU DON’T KNOW SHIT, Gentle Reader! Get your fatass on over to my great friend and partner-in-yarn, CJ Arabia’s, blog to find out just how brilliant it would be to spend two weeks in Japan, peeing in oh-so-polite public toilets, eating sashimi for breakfast, and lounging for several days at an Onsen in Izu Kogen, soaking your old bones in a peaceful, steaming, hot, outdoor bath every five!
So, go and read about the amazing, hilarious, enlightening Japanese adventures of my friends, CJ, Mather, Joe, and Beth, as they watch sumo matches, belly laugh, meditate, and ACHIEVE NIRVANA.
My adorable friend and colleague, Gage Munster, is an ASTONISHINGLY TALENTED make-up and special effects artist who I just found out got cast on season 1 of the new series, Face Off, on the SyFy Channel, where he will compete against (AND KICK THE BLITHERING ICEHOLES OF) several other contestants who also do special effects in the film industry. I AM BEYOND EXCITED FOR HIM, and will be the old hooker cheering the very loudest when he fucking CLOBBERS ALL COMERS!
I love you, Gagey! You and your awesome neck-bolt tattoos are going to KILL! KILL! KILL!
Muffy, Gagey, and the unholy product of their tender lovemaking…on a movie set, Castle Giove, Italy, 2009.
“If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh. Otherwise, they’ll kill you.” — Oscar Wilde
Man, talk about being born at the wrong time in history. How much would this amazing queen have rocked the fucking Intarwebs? Can you even imagine the astonishing brilliance that would be his blog? It boggles the motherlovin’ mind. Such a pity.
At any rate, this much I know for sure: If he and I had ever sashayed this planet concurrently, Oscar and I would’ve been total BFFs FOREVER. In fact, knowing me and my perpetual penchant for taking the very souls and beings of my gay male friends directly into my body, like some sort of an UNHOLY COMMUNION WAFER WITH IMPECCABLE TASTE, A BITING WIT, VINTAGE FRENCH CUFFLINKS, A COLD, COLD EYE, and a WARM, WARM HEART, I probably would’ve married him, a la Liza, a la Judy, a la Carrie — and lived merrily, profanely, wryly, deliciously, scandalously, exuberantly ever after.
Maybe next time around.
Love you, Oscie.
Gregory and I rang in the New Year cozy, sweet, and low-key at the tragically fashionable mountain-top lair of the lovely Miss Jackie Beat — where we lounged about in our pajamas, kissed the lips of two sweet doggies, munched tasty dim sum, guzzled Diet Coke, belly laughed, belly cried, and, as the highlight of our evening and at Miss Beat’s wise suggestion, watched in awestruck amazement at the feminist allegory, Penthouse lighting, and high 1970s camp of The Stepford Wives (ORIGINAL VERSION, of course!), a film which I was previously warned would most likely SUCK. Not only did it NOT suck, it now joins the pantheon of films — including among others, Rosemary’s Baby (which, probably NOT coincidentally, was written by Ira Levin, the same guy who wrote Wives) and Valley of The Dolls — with which I am completely fucking OBSESSED. Having a brilliant drag queen with impeccable taste as one of your closest friends is like being artistically and culturally mentored by God himself — or rather, GODDESS.
So, much love and many thanks once again to Miss Jackie Beat, for not only a lovely, lovely sashay into 2011, but for leading a horticulture…and for truly making her think.
In the spirit of my little family’s planned “Year of Giving Joyously, Generously, and Until It Fucking Hurts”, 2011:
“If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn’t help the poor, either we’ve got to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we’ve got to acknowledge he commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition…and then admit that we just don’t want to do it.” — Stephen Colbert
For Our Three Beautiful Babies as they step through to 2011: If you have a dream, don’t let ANYONE or ANYTHING stop you from making it come true. Beware those fearful, envious people — threatened by excellence and the light that radiates from others — who will attempt to thwart you on your journey, by whatever small or petty means possible…by trying to undermine you, devalue you, or even by laying claim to you and all that you’ve done. Just toss them a DAZZLING smile, throw your head back, and BELLY LAUGH in their motherfucking faces — and push onward toward your destiny.
muffy bolding 