Monthly Archives: April 2011

To brighten our otherwise wretched, miserable days of writing, lunching, thrift shopping, and BELLY LAUGHING ‘TIL WE PISS OUR GRANNY PANTIES (okay, so it’s just me who pisses her granny panties, but I was on a fucking roll), Miss Jackie … Continue reading →

Aside from being blissfully MARRIED to my darling, sexy, brilliant husband, Gregory: there are many extra, added benefits to being additionally MARY’D to a gay man, as well — especially one like my GUSBAND, Jackie Beat, a person who has … Continue reading →

People — especially women — write me all the time, asking how they, too, might become a card-carrying member of the “I GENUINELY DON’T GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU THINK OF ME CLUB” — and I always try my very … Continue reading →

Easter is, and always has been, my least favorite holiday. #1, I hate the fucking palette. It makes me want to KICK ASS. #2, I hate scufflin’ shoes a-white. They make me want to BEAT ASS. And #3, for many, … Continue reading →

When I was 13, I was desperately in love with The Bay City Rollers — and FULLY believed that I would grow up to marry Woody, go on a Rock n’ Roll Honeymoon, and then live happily ever after in … Continue reading →

If my scandalous ass is ever lucky enough to pass through The Pearly Gates (which, believe you me, is highly unlikely), I will not be surprised at all to find that heaven smells exactly like a cup of coffee in … Continue reading →

I had the most amazing and hilarious dream last night — you know, the kind of wonderful dream that just seems to last forever and you hope will never end. The entire thing was about, “Hey, Kids! Let’s put on … Continue reading →

My old friend, Billy Butler, and I used this shit SO RELIGIOUSLY the summer after we graduated from high school…that by Fall, our hair was SO damaged, orangey-red, and yarn-like, that we looked like a fucking chubby, drunken, BELLY LAUGHING … Continue reading →