muffy bolding

I was just sitting here drinking my coffee, casually scrolling through my Facebook friends feed, and pondering destiny, fertility, mortality, and foot massages when all of the sudden a random video post caught my eye and out of nowhere, I see in the little accompanying still photo A PICTURE OF MY VERY OWN HUSBAND — MY ONE TRUE LOVE, from over 20 years ago — and my troubled, troubled heart leapt with joy!

For me, the funny part is that in one of the comments below the video on YouTube, someone wrote, “The guy at 1:44 has no idea he’s speaking to a future idol” — when the truth of the matter is, Gregory ABSOLUTELY KNEW. He knew from the very first time he met him, hung with him, laughed with him, played with him, and eventually recorded him — one song of which would later appear on their boxed set, With the Lights Out. Oh, HE KNEW. He told me that once you met Kurt, there is NO WAY NOT TO HAVE KNOWN.

One of my husband’s greatest gifts in this life is that he has an unerring eye for the extraordinary — and that is because he himself is extraordinary.

My Honeybunny is at 1:44.

1. Name a movie that you have seen more than 10 times:

Hard Day’s Night, The Godfather Trilogy, What’s Up, Doc?, The Royal Tenenbaums, Pulp Fiction, Arthur, Amelie, Superbad, To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar. These, among countless others, have been my film school –- and continue to be so.

2. Name a movie that you’ve seen multiple times in a theatre:

Excalibur, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Escape from New York.

3. Name an actor that would make you more inclined to see a movie:

We always support the ever-marvelous work of Ed Harris, Amy Madigan, Bill Murray, Gene Hackman, Clive Owen, Cate Blanchett, Helen Mirren, and Angelica Huston.

4. Name a movie that you keep meaning to see but just haven’t gotten around to it:

I can’t think of one I haven’t yet seen because I haven’t gotten around to it, but I can tell you one that I have never seen and will never see: Schindler’s List. No can do, hombre. I would seriously have to be hospitalized. I was horribly traumatized for weeks after watching the opening sequence of Saving Private Ryan, no lie. I think Schindler’s List would destroy me.

5. What movie do you wish you had never seen?

Christ, that horseshit Bob Dylan biopic that was out a coupla years ago, whatever it was called –- I must’ve blocked the name from the sheer trauma endured…although Cate Blanchett, of course, was absolutely brilliant.

6. Name an actor that would make you less likely to see a movie:

Oh, lord, there are positively scads –- but the worst offenders are Meg Ryan with that rubbery mouth, Renee Zellwegger with that sour, bulimia-swollen face, Nicolas Cage with all that NO-talent meathookieness, and Tom Cruise with ALL THAT MOTHERFUCKING CRAZY.

7. Name a movie that you can quote from at will:

Hard Day’s Night, What’s Up, Doc, Animal House, The Big Lebowski, Valley of the Dolls, The Stepford Wives; the list is endless.

8. Name a movie musical that you know all the lyrics to all the songs:

Fame, The Sound of Music, Grease, Moulin Rouge, Rocky Horror; the list is endless.

9. Name a movie that you have been known to sing along with:

Oh, a redundant prick, are we? Grease –- and my fatass can do the Hand Jive like the goddamned wind.

10. Name a movie that you would recommend everyone see:

The Godfather and Lawrence of Arabia. If you have seen neither of these, Fuck Off, Lady. Get thee to a Netflix because you don’t know what a brilliant film is.

11. Name a movie that you own:

Amelie, The Royal Tennenbaums, The Queen, The Godfather Trilogy, Lawrence of Arabia, Superbad, Dead Poet’s Society, Breakfast with Andre, The Warriors, The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, Animal House, Ghostbusters; the list is endless.

12. Name an actor that launched his/her entertainment career in another medium but who has surprised you with his/her acting chops:

Mark Wahlberg and Cher.

13. Have you ever seen a movie in a drive-in theatre:

I have done many things at a drive-in theatre — watched a movie, even.

14. Ever made out in a movie?

Honey, I have snorted blow off a hooker’s ass in a movie. Okay, so maybe that’s a filthy lie — but I have peed in a Taco Bell cup.

15. Ever walked out of a movie:

Only one: Club Paradise. It was some shitty 80’s movie with legions of shitty comedians who, undoubtedly whilst on a major coke binge, must’ve slurred to each other, “Hey! Let’s all fly to a tropical island and just roll camera and see what brilliance ensues!” SO. FUCKING. NO.

16. Name a movie that made you cry in the theater:

Christ, what movie hasn’t made me cry? I cry every five. Umm…Sophie’s Choice, Reds, Titanic, Saving Private Ryan, The Turning Point, Terms of Endearment, ET, Pan’s Labyrinth, Ratatouille. Everything makes me cry –- happy, sad, mournful, merry, I cry. The list is endless.

17. Popcorn?:

A given –- and that’s non-negotiable, even if I am otherwise stringently dieting. For me, a dark movie theatre is a place that exists between worlds, therefore the same rules need not apply. Don’t like it? Fuck off, lady.

18. How often do you go to the movies:

Whenever there is a promising one playing, we go.

19. What’s the last movie you saw in the theater:

The Lemmy Documentary. BRILLIANT and INSPIRING.

20. What is your favorite/preferred genre of movie:

I definitely like a good, small, tight, brilliant, well-written, inspired, “indy” film –- like Little Miss Sunshine, Superbad, Juno, or Slumdog Millionaire. And I love me some HIGH CAMP — like Valley of the Dolls! All About Eve! The Stepford Wives! But I also LOVE a good documentary or a good action film, as well. Trust me, I would let Jason Bourne put it anywhere he wanted to.

21. What was the first movie you remember seeing in the theater:

Oh, lord, it was probably some Disney film or other at the Tower Theatre in Fresno when I was a small child –- maybe “The Computer That Wore Tennis Shoes” or “Fantasia” or something like that. Movies have been a constant as far back as I can remember. Along with books and tv, they are honestly what saved me. They showed me how I wanted to live my life and what I wanted to do with that life. I can honestly say that the best parts of me were forged by my exposure to and inspiration from movies, television, and books.

22. What is the weirdest movie you enjoyed:

Oddly enough, even though I am definitely considered REALLY weird by most, I’m not really a weird movie sort of person. I mean, if something feels too weird to me, I immediately smell the stink of forced, contrived, and self-conscious all over it…and therefore, I tend to be generally annoyed and disdainful. Weird just for weird’s sake makes me want to kick ass. Maybe Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory –- is that weird? Or how about The Big Lebowski. Hmm…maybe my weird gauge needs recalibrating.

23. What is the scariest movie you’ve ever seen:

Rosemary’s Baby and The Shining.

24. What is the funniest movie you’ve ever seen:

It’s a dead tie between two of my most favorite and personally inspiring films of all time: What’s Up, Doc? and Arthur. In fact, it would not be overstating it to say that these two films –- along with Phyllis Diller, Don Rickles, The Rat Pack, and The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast –- are why I do what I do and why I am who I am today.

Let me tell you an ugly little secret about myself, kids.

Even if the house was free.

Even if it was a free fucking mansion, a gorgeous free fucking mansion that came complete with a surly Clive Owen, naked and eager and permanently ensconced on the property for my boning pleasure.

And there was a Taco Bell and a Starbucks installed in the kitchen at my 24 hour beck and call.

Oh, and Jon Stewart was there to read me the news and make me belly laugh — okay, and to throw me the occasional fingerbang, as well.

And a sneering, callous James Spader, circa 1986, was there as my full-time masseur, shitkicker, and spankmeister.

Even it was a free motherfucking 37 bedroom Mid-Century Modern mansion filled with the original paintings of Joan Miro and Modigliani themselves.

And Valley of the Dolls played on a neverending loop every minute of every day on a huge, HI-DEF, flatscreen tv hanging on the wall above my whirlpool bathtub, in which Clivey, Jonny, Jimmy, and I soak together in scalding hot bubbles for hours at a time.

And every afternoon Tom Jones serenaded me from the pool house where hot, hung Filipino cabana boys lived solely to serve me Bloody Mary’s and cherry cheesecake — a mansion just for me, with all those components perpetually provided.

Even then…

I still could not live on La Tuna Canyon Road in a city named “La Tuna Canyon, California.”

No way, no how. Every time I spoke my address out loud, I would snicker and smirk for the rest of my goddamned days.

That’s not the name of a city, for chrissake — it’s the punchline of a dirty joke.

Golly Moses, will wonders never cease? Mama’s been asked to speak at a Women’s Conference later this year. Can you believe? Of course, you can’t put a live talk on a 7-second censor delay. Poor unfortunate souls. This should be…interesting.

WAIT’LL THEM BROADS GET A LOAD OF ME.

(Oh, yes…and if you would be so kind, Gentle Reader, might you suggest some topics on which you might like to hear a scandalous hag like myself wax poetic — or, at the very least, something on which I might spew a few reams to keep me from gettin’ tossed outta the joint. Thank you!)

First hacking cough and chest cold in thirty years.

Suffering. Annoyed. Thwarted. Bedeviled.

I sound like Bea Arthur.

My drag name is Emphysema Jackson.

I gotta stay home and GREASE WEEZER — but then again, WHO DOESN’T AFTER A FEW DRINKS?

That is all.

That for which I LIVE:

My Baby, My Babies, My Furry Babies, My Friends, My Books, My Movies, My Yarn, My Brooches, My Insatiable Wanderlust…oh, and LOTIONS, POTIONS, TINCTURES, and UNGUENTS.

Allow me to explain myself: You see, other than my single tube of FINE, RED LIPSTICK, I don’t do makeup — unless, of course, I am being PAID to do so. If that’s the case, then lemme tell you…I WILL WEAR SOME MAKE-UP LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER. Pull out the hatchet and the trowel and let’s fucking GET TO IT!

Other than that, I find make-up extraordinarily messy, orthogonal, unpleasant, and suffocating. It doesn’t give me confidence, as some women claim it does for them. It feels like a clotted wall between me and the rest of the world — like a filter that is cock-blocking me from making contact with others and communicating my truest self. It is distracting to me and thwarts me as I go about my daily bidness of kickin’ ass and takin’ names. How can I be expected to clobber in this lifetime when I am worried about my mascara running, my eyeshadow creasing, or my foundation being two shades off and makin’ me look like a Fresno chola who just barely got here?

Make-up is PURE RUBBISH and it gets in the way of my fun and my pleasure, and if you know me, you certainly know that MAMA DON’T PLAY THAT SHIT. And yes, I am well aware that this is just another example of my profound failure as a girl. Yeah, I FAIL. But ask me if I give a shit and I will give you my most heartfelt answer:

That’s right.

With that said, I do, however, LOVE ME SOME SKIN CREMES. SOME BODY BUTTERS. SOME SILKY, LUXURIOUS MOISTURIZERS. And because I am such a lover of all things creamy, luscious, and yummy, I am always on the lookout for EVERMORE EPIDERMILOGICAL DELIGHTS. In fact, one of my earliest, most comforting childhood memories is the cherry/almond scent of ol’ school Jergens Lotion. There used to be a tall, white bottle of it sitting on my mother’s dresser, and I would toddle over, open a drawer, climb up, and pump one dollop of it into my little hand. When I smell that smell now, I am instantly transported back, back, back…to an elegant, more interesting time — when even the bottle of hand lotion you bought at the corner drugstore held wonder, allure, beauty, and yes, glamour.

So, tell me what you love to slather! Tell me what makes your largest organ smell like heaven! Tell me what smooths over all your rough spots! Tell me what makes you succulent!

I am SO excited to hear all about your lotion loveys. Turn the cap, squeeze the tube, blop it on, and WORK ME.

To the AMAZING Peter Garcia and Gary Scott DeVaughn:

I just want you both to know that that night after the party…you forever changed the course of my life and of my destiny. To be seen and loved and championed by friends with hearts as open and as generous as yours — that has made ALL the difference. Thank you. I will NEVER, EVER forget it. I love you both with ALL my heart!

Goddamn. Barry is a BADASS.

Three days ago, my 16-year old son told me that he has written a movie and that he and his friends are filming it next weekend. There are five of them acting, producing, directing, costuming, shooting, and editing this sure-to-be cinematic masterpiece. My soulful, funny, just, fascinating, curious, profound, intellectual son — whose head smells like a Buddhist temple — wants to make films.

I am in bliss.

My One True Love in a $7 cowboy hat and a plain white T. Be still my wicked heart!:

Hey, kids, it’s Valentine’s Day and you know what that means! No, not that you shall once again receive the usual matted, white, lice-infested, fun-fur teddy bear with “True Love” inscribed across his red satin stomach with a plastic rose-scented rose clutched in his paw purchased at Ralph’s, bitches! No, it’s time once again for “The Significant Other Meme”! I totally loved doing this one — because it’s all about a subject on which I just love to wax poetic, ad nauseum: Gregory!

1. They are watching TV. What are they watching?

Oh, god…Gregory has such a preternatural talent for this. Every time that darling bastard turns on the television — no matter what day it is/no matter what time it is — it is a mathematical certainty that one of the following shows will be on. It’s spooky because it’s almost as though he conjures them out of pure desire: Iron Chef, Top Gear, Southpark, or The Rockford Files. But his most beloved shows of all time are Extras, Space Ghost Coast to Coast, and Get a Life. In fact, he bought the complete Space Ghost boxed set about 7 or 8 years ago — and has yet to watch them all. Why? Because he knows that once he gets through every episode, THEY AIN’T NO MO, MOTHERFUCKER — and the thought of that just breaks his little heart. I like to imagine that he is sort of practicing the boxed set version of Tantric Sex: KEEP FUCKING, but NEVER COME.

2. You’re out to eat. What kind of dressing do they get on their salad?

He will either get bleu cheese or a wet and dry dressing, i.e., balsamic vinaigrette and olive oil with bleu cheese crumbles on top.

3. What’s one food this person doesn’t like? What’s one food this person could not live without?

Loathes: The humble and hideous lychee nut (they smell like LOAD.)

Loves: Cheese. All kinds. The stinkier, the better. Ah, The Feet of the Angels! We followed our noses throughout Europe, stopping at every odiferous cafe, cave, market, and fromagerie we could find. He occasionally threatens to quit his job and become a full-time cheese monger.

4. You go out to the bar. He/she orders…

A Heineken at a bar, a Guinness black and tan at a pub, a Sapporo when out for sushi. Apparently, he’s a very thematically appropriate drinker.

5. Where did he/she go to high school?

Lexington High School in Lexington, Massachusetts.

6. What size shoe do they wear?

10 or 10 ½.

7. If this person were to collect anything, it would be…

Hands down: Art. Modern, such as Picasso, Klee, Miro, Pollock…or, conversely, work from The Dutch Golden Age. Just as he has a brilliant ear for music, he also has a brilliant eye for art. His taste in all things aesthetic is absolutely impeccable.

8. What is their favorite type of sandwich?

Turkey and avocado on some delicious, interesting, exotic bread — with spicy mustard.

9. This person could eat ______ everyday.

HA! I bet you thought I was going to say PUSSY. But no, Not So Gentle Reader, I would never give an answer as utterly predictable as PUSSY — but I will answer the next best thing: Sushi! In fact, we have actually made a pledge to each other –- to someday be successful enough to afford to eat sushi everyday. Just talking about sashimi makes our hearts race and our pulses quicken. That’s some incentive to succeed, I gotta tell you. Breath Like Prom Night for the rest of your natural life. Bring it.

10. Favorite cereal?

Shredded Wheat or Raisin Bran (they help him make a ca-ca.)

11. This person wouldn’t be caught dead wearing?

Ha! We actually joke about this all the time. Sandals, a Hawaiian shirt, and what he and I hatefully call a “Zydeco” hat –- such a fucking Boomer uniform. Fuck the Boomers! Never!

Some anonymous Boomer in a slick, expensive Zydeco hat — thinking he looks ICE COLD, no doubt:

12. Favorite sports team?

The Boston Red Sox. And yes, our son the sports writer-to-be is a to-the-death Yankees fan. And yes, I realize that this means war.

13. Who did he/she vote for?

O’bama.

14. What is their sign?

Cancer…and all that that implies.

15. What is something you do that he/she wishes you didn’t?

And speaking of applied astrology, I suppose I am not always as vigilant about taking care of my health as Cancer would like me to be, i.e., I am not always as thorough as I could be about making sure I take the necessary pain and preventative medications when it becomes unbearable. I like to pretend that I have perfect health, you see. It’s more fun that way.

16. How many states has this person lived in?

Five: Massachusetts, Minnesota, Washington, California, and Vermont.

17. What is his/her heritage?

Russian Jew…with a little Romanian thrown in just for good vampiric measure. Man, I do love me some cute Jew boy.

18. You bake them a cake for their birthday. What kind do you bake?

Chocolate with chocolate frosting and chocolate sprinkles and chocolate filling and chocolate lube oozing from my cooter as I serve it up in a chocolate licorice t-back thong. This is a motherfucker who likes chocolate.

19. Did he/she play sports in high school?

This question actually made me belly snort out loud. If guzzling hooch pilfered from one’s parents’ liquor cabinet, endlessly listening to Bob Dylan records, and staggering through the woods of suburban Boston yelling into mailboxes with drunken buddies qualifies as a sport, then the answer is a resounding yes. He lettered, even.

20. This person could spend hours…

Watching “Lawrence of Arabia”, reading about “Lawrence of Arabia”, and talking about “Lawrence of Arabia” –- and has. And this is just reason #672 of why I absolutely adore him!

21. He/She wants a new…

season of Space Ghost Coast to Coast — though, of course, that’ll never happen. That wry, absurd, brilliant ship has sailed.

22. The CD I would probably find in their vehicle is…

Anything by Frank Black, Elvis Costello, Radiohead, Stereolab, Queens of the Stone Age, Eagles of Death Metal, The Breeders, Women, Lava Children, and Bass Drum of Death.

23. What can you do that will guarantee a laugh from him/her?

Wear a big, fuzzy mouse suit whilst smoking a cig with a bored, jaded look on my face. Lays him out every time.

24. Does he/she get along well with their family?

Well, they’re still alive, aren’t they? Define your terms.

25. If money wasn’t an option, I would buy him/her…

A life of non-stop travel, discovery, and adventure; a life lived out of a suitcase. A life of unlimited rail-passes and unlimited dreams.